Lose a partner this thing, most moment and consenescence are concerned. The person foregone of old, leave a lot of marks, living person faces loneliness. Consenescence lets a person prepare to lose ahead of schedule, this kind loses be despair, quiet.
But to the youth, lose a partner, the likelihood means be attacked front and rear, rare calm. Lost playwrite of a youth in Feburary, to fall asleep, before dawn in the night 2:30, changed two kinds of sleeping pill. Cummer Zhang Ying clever after be missing, her male friend feels, whole life and whole world are different. To them, future is a term that fills a hope originally, but this momently, it becomes dread rise.
Love and life, after the stuff with this the heaviest different ruptures together, lose the spouse's youths, with what they should defy time?
Civil | Malala
Editor | Gold is v/LIT all over the ground
Insert a picture | Henn Kim
Vision | Chen Dan
I think love is a kind of force, result of and rather than
2015 of the National Day afternoon, issueing spit. I and she agreed to meet in the Mcdonald's near the school, when calling with her, just she also is on driveway, agitato waves to me. The green light of footpath had shined, I had taught her, when walking, want to go strictly according to the directive, dormant Lilliputian is to stand at the back of zebra crossing, the Lilliputian that walk is OK forth.
But that paragraph of time, the signal of person travel lamp gave trouble, she did not go to this at the same time, I look at her to be coiled by the minibus of a black car bottom, ground the past directly.
She is my cummer, but most begin, we are actually " the enemy " .
I gave birth to an a serious illness when elementary school, bring about cranium to cave together, artifice tendon ruptures, leg ministry fracture. Suspend one's schooling enters new class after period of time, although the body looks to be not had hinder greatly, but cannot blend in among them. There also is elementary school fellow student on the class at that time, the thing that they can get hurt me is spoken, to me in those days, this close to at a kind of disgrace.
After that, what to escape this to plant the likelihood can happen all the time is isolated, I thought a lot of way, for instance the back of stamp schoolgirl. Encounter such situation every time, the schoolgirl is met name-calling, but they are scolded more, schoolboys can laugh more fiercely. In mischief of this kind of indecent, I found a kind of collective attributive sense. For this, I return summary to give a rule: The schoolgirl with be on speaking terms of a lot of people is bullied, everybody won't laugh, do not have the person of what friend only, rise to just have interest mockingly, for instance she, when be being bullied, person laugh is gotten all round the happiest.
The grade that she is at that time the first, full marks is gotten very easily in the exam, but always act independently, do not talk with other classmate. I just know later, she turns everywhere with respect to the parents that follows deal as a child school, what do not feel what to blends in collective is necessary. First one hind, she left Changsha.
And the friend that I had myself in the process that bullies her, achievement ameliorates slowly, go doing such business no longer. Later, the contact that I begin to learning even a few very the philosophy of the shallow-layer, became a philosophy to stick advocate. That not big, altogether thousands of person, active user also with respect to hundreds of. One day we are in group in inscribe to the word about life a little, an ID says: "Life is one kind inertial. " I shine at the moment, wanted to contact means, after a few weeks, we decide to meet, make an appointment with the Mcdonald's around the school.
After going in, I had not found a netizen, it is she runs to greet sb with me. Greeted a few, know to waiting for a person each other, I draw out skill machine and netizen connection, I say I arrived, the other side also arrived, affirm the position. I and she stood at the same time. She was not concealed open-eyed, and I throb particularly quickly.
Later we meet each weeks, she says she goes to school in another high school, take me to go sometimes the building that she leases in Changsha, in whole home with respect to her a person, everything looks very good. Until one day the fellow student that I ask to that high school that says in her goes to school, the other side tells me, there is this individual in class.
Orange continent head is in at that time on the weekend when can put firework, we can go occasionally. Once she says she is in the river finds a sodden poop deck on the west, have 30, framework has been built, it is empty outside, climb to be able to see whole orange continent head. Over, I ask her the thing of the school, she says herself to go in another class prevaricate, before saying with me next, sticking the thing in: "Life is a kind inertial, living it is a kind of condition, just gliding forward. " after that, she replies no longer my message, I am being stuck asked a lot of people, still had tried to look for her with all sorts of methods. Two week hind, I receive " adieu " short message, drive toward sodden poop deck immediately, had not climbed a building to supported to see her, all the time upgrade runs to block her.
Just know in those days, her pa Mom died in factory accident, she rested to learn, be given a kin by kick a ball. Before that meet every time, it is herself what install to the utmost is normal. After that, we pulled a hand for the first time, it is the beginning that depend on each other.
The golden age that is me then, she no longer commit suicide, became me again later learn younger sister, playtime strings together string of door, go out to have a meal together midday, join same mass organizations, although do not have the joy of what soul-stirring, but that is a paragraph of divide evenly fast expiratory day. Although can quarrel now and then, more press close to argues, it is a few arrange such thing about future. Finally our come to an agreement or understanding, I go learning process designing, she goes doing a design, was brought up to make independent game together, after the university graduates, marry.
I think all metropolises step down down the plan so, until have an accident that day. I hit a phone to read two elder sisters of the university in Changsha to her, 120 came, I went, lay 7 days in the home next, whats are done, just lying. It is OK to be asleep the dream arrives she, I can wake to sleep then, I know she waits for me over.
Last year, I decide to look for those two elder sisters to take me to go eventually her graveyard, on a hill. My comparing imagines medium adamancy, whole journey did not drop a tear. When answering the school, I leave they, discover the face is wet, just realize oneself cried. The schedule of the life is very full, the sun still can rise, time can continue forth, I am living still, but just was not killed by what thing, existing like some things, but they are going up in the road of die out.
I can remember all begun origin occasionally, small class hour gets hurt, because the family is contradictory,be, I jump down from 8 buildings, be cultivated to hold off by a ginkgo among. Await in those days, I choose to end life, but after encountering her, I won't die easily.
"Life is a kind inertial " , this word was propping up me to spend 4 years when do not have her. I had tried to like others afresh, but discover oneself are being done all the time, just seek her sign on others body. I think love is a kind of force, result of and rather than. Others persuades me to put down, I do not know why to want to put down, what should put down?
Go to feel more forth moreHe divided half soul to be in my body
Someone says, you are so young, experience these. I do not feel I am young, I feel I am old, after from me husband dies, I am not a girl again.
Be being known with him is in a winter. I and the American schoolboy that the classmate introduces chatted one year on the net, agreed to want to meet in cafe, but that schoolboy did not come. Sat a little while more in that, when going quickly, a schoolboy round scarf comes over to strike up a conversation.
Later, I and he arrives a little everyday very late, he is a doctor, no-go at ordinary times come out, but the place that working unit stays in from me is not far, now and then I can look for him to meet. At the beginning, he is not what affection deep justice heavy " hero " , the National People's Congress of understanding knows without exception, love of his Tan Lian won't be too long, so that he takes me to see a person later, what doesn't the eyes that the person looks me all round bless, I can be understood, they are saying: "Alas, this girl is really poor " .
In the 3rd month when, he was carried on the net part company, I sad, can spend a few hours, he wants again compound. "I feel two people arrived previously a time is OK and apart, always can find reason, the tooth of the other side is not quite for instance white, or crus is too thick of what, but I do not want to part with you. " he so say. Later, he changed a person, clear sense is family.
In very long period of time, I think he and I am same, domestic condition is not quite good, because have an inflexible impression,be, the poor's child just likes school of the distributive that read a bag, and the courtyard that he stays in is defeated again old. Talked about half love one year, he is taken an examination of eventually went up the graduate student that his father hopes he is read all the time, and we prepare to marry. When seeing the parent, I am carrying a gift, the station is scared in front of their home villa. After taking the door, their family not very responds me, because,the likelihood is he all the time since too obedient, and marry this thing, his family is only " the accused knows " .
I am pregnant later, his father says to be able to affect his school work, do not let be born, he runs back to the thought that will do me to work. I am extremely angry, call his father directly " talk about the business " , or divorce adds pension, or is born. If be me really,husband does not want, a minute of my money does not want a person. such, I had the first daughter 2014.
His father picks his job, father buys the house of resident city, he is all the time " Mom treasure male " , after marrying, these out of control, marrying with me is he is done truly for the first time advocate, but the person once savor free flavour, do not have method to turn round. He wants to leave a hospital very much all the time, intent more and more hair is intense, but to take care of the idea of his father, he did not say.
2018 National Day holiday, he falls eventually decided determination, want to come home to discuss the issue of abdication with father, the result is pulled by his father police station disinheritance, he must be said 10 years by gas in won't come home.
After 4 days, before dawn at 4 o'clock, his limb bounces suddenly like get an electric shock come, I think he becomes nightmare, adopt the daughter to another room, after coming back, discovery sends save one's breath in his throat, crural motherboard is white, whole process did not exceed 4 minutes. The ambulance arrives later downstair, rescue of my for company, sign dead confirmation, it is heart stalk. At that time, there had been another child in my abdomen.
I am examined later that day in the evening in the home photograph record resembling a head, he did not sleep all night, before dawn two at 3 o'clock when still had a bed, write a thing on the mobile phone all the time. I looked, it is very a very long long small letter, the meaning is probably: "Mom, so old I do not want to read read school, took a lot of pain really inside. I am controlled in what suffer my pa all the time, want to live for oneself only nowadays, I won't hate him, think he can understand me a little only... when I go asking father wants money, he says to do not have money, can think out to make money when myself when, he says you do not need to make money, how should I do? How should I do??
He is cremated that day, the staff member asks me: "Should you look last times? " I am big abdomen goes in, carrying urn, did not feel to have what thing so heavy. Push pull, a person goes in, one caboodle ash comes out, I feel I also died accordingly really.
I do not eat to be not drunk in the home did not sleep for ages, him blame fails to save him 4 that minutes at that time, blame his father, also had scolded his mother, ask her why so much never has helped in year, she so say with me: "What can I do? I rely on my husband to raise me all one's life. " despair folds despair, I want to daydream only, the superstition all that does not believe previously believed, I still see all saying that put in the book of another world, still put in parallel space certainly, he may live over.
Drop downward without more time, true, I should handle still have a lot of things. "It is OK that this child in your abdomen should be born, but be born to do not have a relation with you, we are in charge of raising, send a person next. " my people and his family gather finally when having a meal, his father says. I break down cry greatly, he is pointing to me, ask me pa Mom: "You look, much not firm. " after a few days, embryo of my the 2nd child stops.
Seemed to go? Only myself knows. I feel oneself and he more and more resembled, he drives to like snack previously, I also like to eat now. What does people say previously what am I, encounter the maintenance worker of money wanting hole now, I can say: "You go. "You go..
He resembles is to know he want like, before be being faced, return rice was bought in the home, to me the mother bought a mobile phone, to oneself pa Mom also bought a gift. The person went, express when each is excellent, there is his name above. Leave old room, did not ask remover, I am so tired that I sit on step to cry. In these moment, I know I am a person. But go forth more, I feel actually he divided half soul to be in my body more, when I hold out no less than going to, he still has idea.
When I retain love, I and he says himself in the home very poor, feel very self-abased. "He says, that time is very few the family will be wealthy, I can understand you, also can understand your mother, no matter be rich,actually I feel really or do not have money, it is it is childhood only, we should go forth. That is I think to go up personally oneself the most self-abased place, the person that is loved for the first time is admitted. A person does him to be able to be admitted, I think is the most important part in love.
I had made a dream, in the dream his person is sitting, always be not happy, go fooling him on me, he does not talk to go forth. Good catch him not easily, he says with me later: "Do not chase after me, do you know I had not been in with you in a world? I had died. " we are same year of birth water bottle, he is bigger than me last year 13 days, he compares my smaller part today year old, he can compare me all the time small go down.
In this universe, we are dirt, Very insignificant, but we are together
On October 18, 2018, I am 28 years old, make a cancer patient of diagnose. It is follicular model lymphatic tumour, had arrived now 4 period (terminal) , plus immunity disease lupus erythematosus, it is the incurable disease in incurable disease. A kind of examination is called PET-CT, systemic scanning, those who give look of a piece of Zhang Shen is video, the place that cancer shifts focus can give off light, others is here one " the lamp " , over there " the lamp " , and my body is " christmas tree " .
Although our home has the gene that cause cancer, but I want to calculate me to fall ill, also be 40 years old of right-and-left things, did not think of to come so quickly. In September at the back of check-up half month, I follow the doctor's advice sincerely manage to find time went doing enhance CT, lymph node vivid check, the result comes out, bad. Await me to had begun a plan in those days, how should after I died, do?
Regard a slums as beautiful girl, I from very small know the mood is to do not have any good, need settles way. Come off sentry duty of worker of 90 time northeast is wet, my pa Mom is belonged to among them, begin our home from elementary school all the time very poor. After the Master graduates, I went orgnaization of finance of a civilian battalion, want to work well only earn money, the place that because need in the home,spends money is too much.
When I read, we are together, chose to do not have graduation to marry next. This paragraph of feeling is in not very is valued at that time, come on lay meaning say, our poor, besides a piece of card, we are true naked marriage.
I know money is very serious of course, but the character that I love to weigh him really. After marrying, before graduation, my father comes to Shanghai treat half an year, conserve without cure ministry at one's own expenses, his bend uses up all taking care of my parents, before dawn at 4 o'clock, he gets up drive go receiving me on father the hospital queues up to make an inspection.
Is unripe disease afraid of? Fear of course. Confirm a result that day, I am away on official business in Wen Zhou, after getting a result, cerebrum is blank. Leave a room, go corridor last toilets, person of those 10 minutes of feelings is waving. I as far as possible keep one's hair on, cerebrum is put empty half hours, inn of boiler of taxi reduce internal heat, revolving door be cominged back clipped the person, the bag is taken, shoulder loses aching sense, I still am stupefied be stupefied in half door that ground station is rotating, glass breathed out to go up to the face.
A person is in inn, a lot of miserable picture appears from chaffy dish come, this kind of imagination that is immersed in a mood was stupefied me. This moment, I am in actually acedia. Return a public house, I gather information, arrange form, picture thinking guides graph, the decision guards cure, and divorce.
I return Shanghai after a few days, saw husband. I go around bought a bit thing to eat, lying between the window of convenience inn, I see he is carrying me on the back to smoke. Get along 6 years, I understand him too, as an affection extremely inside the person of collect, he always is anxious and sad when smoke. He can die because of kin, annual in that day a person smokes cigarette a little while outside, this is the means of his hold a memorial ceremony for.
Look at his back, after thinking of I go, he is entered 40 years old even marriage love the market, I want to cry a bit. After getting on a car, I said to divorce. "Falling ill also is not a bad thing, everybody can fall ill, do not have necessary divorce. " he says.
On October 22, I begin therapy, in the ward of the hospital, hear get sweet-scented osmanthus fragrance. I look at a person that got same disease with me helplessly, because go out to did not carry guaze mask inspiratory toxic gas, caused lung to affect the cure that breaks original law, thing of not feel like eating, the leg is thin the arm with me is same. He goes that day, the everybody in ward cried. That is I realize explicitly for the first time, original death is so close from me.
After half an year, I leave a hospital to return rest in the home, everyday whats are done feel fatigue. Thank husband to become me all the time however a normal person treat, be, I fell ill, but actually I still can do a few businesses, begin to write oneself sicken course on fair number, had a few vermicelli made from bean starch, heard a lot of stories. After falling ill, I still attended what show loving care for immediately before one's death to groom class.
Fall ill received so much is comforted in, most let me touch, it is 8 words that the daughter hair of a wardmate comes to: "You worked hard, painstaking you. " in such instant, I feel I was understood in those time of shadow, it is true in all affection. And in love, what husband offers to me also is such thing, I know him, he also knows me.
A lot of people like to hear after falling ill, other in part does not leave the old practice that does not abandon, but I do not feel this is of course, I and husband put forward to divorce this option, it is to want to give him this active advantageous position, let him choose, otherwise should continue to accompany me for some time again. He is that person that is involving my hand, we won't be mixed because of marriage responsibility must be together, however enclasp of ground of be most willing to each other, because know to loosen, the likelihood also cannot see the other side again. In this universe, we are dirt, very insignificant, but we are together.
After former husband disappears, my personally says he and I am irrespective
In August 2015, my husband disappeared.
According to as one used to do convention, he can be in the living cost that made 1000 money toward my Carrie at 8 o'clock 15 night, make a telephone call next. But that day, I rose at 6 o'clock from in the morning remind him, he did not reply. I went to a bank checking remaining sum 3 times, still be two digit. Later, I made ten telephone calls to him, close machine, enrage so that I wanted to throw the mobile phone.
This is us the 3rd year when two people live apart, he works in Guangdong, original I also together, but because of problem of registered permanent residence, I come back native place looks after children study. Although occasionally he is met,gamble loses money, we also quarrelled because of this, but anyhow, he can give I and child move to give living cost. He knows I am not a wanted much person, every month 1000 money, bringing the child I also can subsist, alarming do not buy the clothes, go dining-room carries tray.
I asked everyone of more than 100 contacts in the mobile phone almost, everybody does not know his whereabouts, know he is the closest only demit duty. Grandpa does not have his message, brotherly sisters also do not know where he went to.
It is at the beginning feel nervous in the heart, angry, I feel he is painstaking also later, economic pressure is too great, want to hide a little while, longing for him can be enlightened manages again next I.
After a month, his fellow worker and I send a message to say, factory somebody will look for him, still played a banner in the doorway, keeping his name, be in debt accordingly from the back return money. I knew probably is what thing, it is gamble was defeated for certain, borrowed usurious.
As expected, I received dun telephone call. Close machine is trashy, they can be hit all the time. At the beginning I can be received, say this individual has nothing to do with with me, hear phone sound later, fear, but do not want to change number again, be afraid that he cannot find me.
When having, the person is very strange, although I am hated again enrage again, but felt to loosen again in the heart a few lines. Feel on one hand, he cannot leave me, I am in when, he is very good, can work well, do not gamble; On the other hand, I believe he still loves me, just fear to just dare be not contacted, he is not not to want to become a good father, good man, he is helpless only.
I still call everyday, hear already involved the sound of machine, feeling also is a kind of connection. Become nightmare occasionally, my dream arrives he by usurious found, a flock of people are chasing after him, hit he is blood all over. I cry in the dream, your tantivy, awake voice is dumb.
I must return a married woman's parents' home, in a crossing, a person stood half hour. My Mom sees I brush tear, that night, her a place of strategic importance gave me thousands of money. Also be in that momently, I do not want to love him really. I do not know why some people can say to love you on the mouth, go to you step by step however push in fiery pit.
The 2nd year of spring, somebody tells me, the elder brother that says him received his information, but want everybody to hiding the truth from me. He goes Fujian, not be a person those who go, have new woman, also have new child. I look at the son that runs further more, him paralysis was in on the ground. I and his elder brother spread out card, call him to come back to sign divorce agreement, otherwise I do not have method to remarry, should be last bits of mercy to me.
Disappear after many days 400, in November 2016, I saw him last, living, fat. I do not know he has loved me really, but I know, once for him, can whats do not want.
Graph / the film " leave 100 days " stage photo.
The article is achieved formerly for daily figure, tort needs investigate.
