Hello, I am Xiao Xueping of psychological advisory division. This is the 8th class of course of force of happiness of the marriage that repair refine, how the spouse " transform " into good sweetheart.
You may have notice, I am being transformed double quote was added on two words. I am to want to tell you through such means, transform the mate into good sweetheart, not be to ask he presses what you think to do forcibly, not be brazenly ground lets him do not want so more in that way. In that way not only won't transform him into good sweetheart, still can be just the opposite to what one wished, make him right your stay at a respectful distance from sb, want to run away beside you even.
So, want to transform the mate into good sweetheart, need you to shift your wisdom resource, fine breathed ground transforms other people of ground of on the sly, imperceptible ground, exert a subtle influence on, benefit he, even you may find some kind of way, make him automatic consider a change actively self-consciously, it is he himself is thinking method goes making a change actively even, when and become him wanting a change, he won't feel that is for you, he can think that is for him himself.
I believe you can want to know very much, that is a kind of how magical method after all.
Understand to help you and absorb next content, we still are told from an example case.
Ms. T this year 26 years old, with marital love two years, marry two years. She is used " glacial fire is double day " the life that will describe this 4 years. They are known in a game, await them in those days very happy, often play game together, the topic is very much also around move game. But marry later, ms. T does not like to play game again slowly, the warmth that the hope can live many a little bit feels, but the husband still likes to indulge in game. Plus the other size attrition in the life, make Ms. T more and more dissatisfactory to this paragraph of marriage.
Her language expression ability exceeds strong, thinking is very clear the ground at a heat the 5 big facts about a crime of enumerate husband:
1, off hours uses dozen of game, do not accompany her to return must not she complains, the man can say: You know I am at the beginning such ah, it is you changed, I did not change;
2, do not do any chore, ms. T is grouchy, he says: My grandfather such, my pa also such, is the man such?
3, the recreational arrangement on the weekend always wants to hear the husband, swing a face all day long otherwise child;
4, the husband is bad-tempered, conversation is very occasionally offensive, meet acid and satiric Ms. T;
5, the parents that grandpa mother-in-law once did not respect Ms. T, make her very embarrassed over parents, do not have face very much.
After saying, the mood of Ms. T and expression become a little dim, she says: "I also had read a lot of articles, say to love a person, be about to love his original model, but I am not done namely " .
My answer says: If you just understand this point of view simple and generally, may let the problem between you and husband become without solution. Because apparently, his a lot of original model, make you special perplex. His some habits, thinking and behavior, make you very disappointed to him with life. If last time is long, may affect your love to him. Ms. T nods: How should I do then? May he make a change? Let us answer the question of Ms. T slowly next.
When you should complete project of a job, you may experience following processes:
The first pace, you yourself can have the capacity that completes this project suppose.
The 2nd pace, undertake an analysis to the project, see the essence of this project clear, train of thought of job of manage Qing Dynasty; The 3rd pace, devise applying plan;
The 4th pace, implement already definite project plan;
The 5th pace, ceaseless postmortem and amend, the time with enough at the same time put apart, await the occurrence of achievement patiently.
If transform a spouse to make good sweetheart this thing also regards as a project, so the first pace, you should believe you are capable to let the husband make a change above all, this is crucial a bit. Be certain when you only the effort that passes period of time, the husband can become considerate to your tenderness certainly, like to buy dish to cook together with you, respect you to admire you to care about your feeling, you just can be full of motivation and enthusiastic investment go in this project, next that good outcome just may happen. Even if you are special to oneself now not self-confident, in brain also a blank, do not have main threads of an affair and train of thought at all, you also want to believe, before long in the future, you can find promotion to transform the channel of ability and method necessarily.
After doing good psychology to adjust, can enter the 2nd stage next, undertake to transforming a mate the project is analysed. Say in chicken broth article " love a person to be about to love his original model " not complete fault, because some parts of the spouse are really,can be accepted only and cannot transform.
Transform a mate for this project, we need to be able to understand:
1) the changes impossibly also anyhow part on spouse body is: Equality of feature of family background of his birthplace region, family, growing experience, body, intellective water.
2) the share that very difficult change stabilizes quite on spouse body is: Interest of his disposition feature, interest, viewpoint of value and thinking mode, the spouse's parents also is very difficult change.
3) the part that the in a way on spouse body can change hard is: Serve your kind. Understood to transform a mate when us the essence of this project, so when devising applying plan, we can avoid the important and dwell on the trivial, have a definite object in view.
For instance, you probably won't the domestic family background that exert oneself goes to transforming a mate, also won't expect you need in a way to move only, with respect to the nature that can alter a spouse and viewpoint of value. You may agree, preferential on the way that puts energy in change spouse to treat you, also try to be the nature that alters a spouse, viewpoint of value and thinking mode to make some of effort at the same time, it is clever choice.
Let us enter the 3rd stage now, devise applying plan. Here I offerred 3 more effective program for you.
It is the habit that nurturance reason thinks and analyses a problem. Before solving any problems in marital relation, want to spend time to analyse and think first, see well core problem, want to understand prime cause, assess the situation of at present seriously, next redo next plan. If you want to solve the problem in the job,resemble, also want to analyse the reason of problem happening first, just can seek the way to deal with a situation that solves a problem and plan next in that way.
The issue that for instance Ms. T needs to think is: Why does the husband love to play game? Why doesn't the husband love to do chore? Why the husband thinks that he must listen to him on the weekend, is he just met glad? Why is the husband met occasionally is satirize satiric me? Why the parents that can my husband's father and mother respect me? Simple for namely, no matter you have to the husband any complain, need to complain with respect to that ask " why " , ponder over the reason of exterior phenomenon backside next slowly.
For instance, ms. T passes the reflection of period of time, may discovering the husband loves to play game is exterior phenomenon only, prime cause is he does not think he should change way of life to marry, he wants to withhold the habits and customs before marriage, he has not been finished transform to marital psychology from the boy friend; The husband does not love to do chore, because he is lazy,also not be, what think on the idea the man does housework to be able to affect him however is manful, he is in agree with to father generation; The husband hopes arrangement always wants to listen to him on the weekend, the surface looks is him overbearing, actually prime cause is he feels strong suppress wife, ability has the feeling of householder; And he is satiric to the satirize of the wife, probable the communication means between the parents that is him only, his marital mode in not self-conscious follow parents; The parents that meets pair of Ms. T ladies as to husband's father and mother is not courteous, it is the farther-in-law mother-in-law that the husband did not behave so that respect his before him parents likely extremely. Wanted you to ponder over the reason with phenomenal real backside only, go solving again rise can have a definite object in view became much.
On the business that loves to play game in the husband for instance, you won't continue kink plays game again at him, discuss the program about matrimony with him however, he transforms to the identity to the husband from the boy friend, you expect to wait a moment to each other. Also won't continue to make a noise with him the problem that should not wash the dress to cook, what you may turn and discussing with him is manful, and make him clear, you are not his mom in that way woman, you also hope he does not become his father in that way man.
This uses the 2nd important program with respect to need, communicate effectively. Use you to be in this series course the 4th class " art ' is communicated inside the ' marriage that lets your happiness lifetime " the communication skill in, 8 measure that communicate effectively namely: Think, matting, derivative incident, expression is experienced, discuss think of a way, speak need, expression acknowledgment, give out invite. Through be being communicated effectively, ground of exert a subtle influence on lets a spouse be stood by to your a group of people of same interest.
Do not fear you are right the analysis of the problem may be not accurate, also not be normal truly definitely, after all you are not psychological expert, you see a problem likely also and insufficient development. But after believing to think seriously when you please, be communicated with the spouse again with right kind, you are communicating the likelihood in the process, real problem can emerge gradually come out, because he also is met,communicating actively your under, the attempt opens his heart, analyse him himself together with you. Slowly you communicate nurturance ground good convention, make concerted effort faces the problem in the relation.
3 it is to put more attention to be on him body, the trial goes transforming his, adopt your change, ground of exert a subtle influence on affects a spouse to make a change. If you have,listen to the course in front seriously, believe the first can be with the 2nd plan in your heart ideate. But perhaps you can feel to the 3rd plan indissoluble, this is a tax that how transforms a mate obviously, how can I suggest you go transforming your?
Let me use a bit time, unscramble this plan for you. Inside marriage, interact is between the spouse, a lot of circumstances also are existence is causal.
For instance, because of you the habit is depended on, everything asks a partner, so the partner is stronger and stronger; Because you are very self-abased, so when the spouse debases you, you can agree with him, then he more and more do not respect you; Because you are easy angry, get angry constantly, so the spouse is tacitter and tacitter. Can you understand? Complaining when you the partner is too strong, hope he becomes a few tenderer, want you so probably to become only can ego is depended on, believe oneself ability, he slowly tender; Complaining when you the spouse does not respect you, often debase you, want you so probably to become a few more self-confident only, do not agree with him to be debased to yours, he begins to admire you slowly; Complaining when you the spouse is very chill to you when, want you so probably to be able to learn the mood that manages your only, can talk with him well, he can begin to stand by you actively.
If come in the story of Ms. T, it seems that some compare the man of Ms. T traditional " man should how woman should how " thought, however the problem of Ms. T is, she blames the husband at the same time, refute marital statement feebly again at the same time, because be on a lot of things, she often lacks her perspective.
If pass the self-remoulding of period of time, ms. T has her view, speak when the husband a few see plausibility but when actually affects the word of the relation, she can express her view, shake slowly of the husband old have belief, probably the husband can make a change slowly. Say when the husband for instance: You know I am at the beginning such ah, it is you changed, I did not change. If Ms. T once had transformed her, have the capacity that thinks independently, she may reply say: Right, I changed really. Because the girlfriend is before me, I now is a wife, I changed to the idea of the life, I changed to your expectation. But I think this change is normal, after marrying, before marrying, be being mixed is different. Changing just is normal, changeless abnormal. The person that has a problem so is you, not be me.
Say when the husband for instance again, my grandfather such, my pa also such, is the man such? As once the woman that self-remoulding spends, ms. T can answer him to say: are you to want to duplicate the life of your grandfather and father? Does their marriage pass happily? how is other man done, have you to follow them same? Even if their practice injured the person that he loves, make their marriage not happy, should you also follow them same?
All Chinese females should build such thinking habit: On this thing, his view is such, so Where is my view? Of others consider as such, so my think? The ability that I think nurturance thinks independently, the promotion that conduces to marital happiness force greatly.
Assume you had understood the method that plan of the 3rd pace devises, let us enter the 4th stage now, implement already definite project plan.
This very simple, you are OK 3 plan are done together. But I should suggest you, using the first with the 2nd plan when, should be aimed at only solve a problem, and from the simplest place proceed with. The story that still takes Ms. T serves as example, you had better discuss the 4th issue with the husband through be being communicated effectively first, because this is the simplest, the business is the smallest, give gain the most easily. And had better be inside period of time, relapse instead answer talk about this one thing only, till be solved thoroughly later, you praise to his expression sincerely and thank, let him know the change because of him, make you more happy, love him more, in your memory he has charm more.
After spending period of time next, the problem that reintroduce the next hopes he is improved. You must not communicate the 4th problem today, will raise the first question again tomorrow, arrived acquired, she a head puts forward 2, 3, 53 problems, such practice besides let the husband feel, in your memory defect of his a suit, feel you resent to him every day, censure him, captious him, feel browbeat and ego is encroached accordingly, become right you very guard, prepare antagonism at any time your nag and censure, can be imagined such transforming not only can fail, the concern that allows you possibly still enters a kind very at odds condition. Here what I want to remind you is, likely the idea that you communicated yourself with him and after experiencing, his reaction is however: Who to love, your feeling is in that way, but my what issue to involve? I feel is your problem, I do not have a problem, I do not need to change. He such reaction also is very possible, and will naturally let you feel very bad. So, right now you raise sound to move with him make a row is worn, also be a kind of means that solves a problem. But I should remind you, even if when you quarrel with him, also want to know affray purpose is to communicate, it is to solve a problem, it is the feeling that lets him understand you and idea, is not to abreact mood. This
Kind the attitude that life quarrels, the likelihood lets the husband go up from the vision, on the body, know on the mood, you are not happy really, you are true mind this issue. This may cause his attention, of course, if he is loving you. Right now you still can say to him: You say to make me very sad so, can let me feel you care about my feeling not at all, be disinclined to be in charge of me after all glad grouchy still. I can think you still love not to love me after all, if you are loving me, why can feel however, how am I experienced, how to see you, you are indifferent to? Are we where to give an issue?
Let us enter a spouse to transform finally had better the 5th pace of the sweetheart, also be last pace: Ceaseless postmortem and amend, the time with enough at the same time put apart, await the occurrence of achievement patiently.
You need to transform a mate at the same time, transform oneself at the same time, also observe at the same time and examine project evolutional case. See what method useful, what method is trashy, next timely adjust. Occasionally you need to adjust your practice, occasionally you need to adjust your expectation, returning what your need adjusts some time is his state of mind. Those who freeze 3 feet are not a day is cold, the construction that the spouse concerns is not things, however all one's life thing. If do not have good effect to come out temporarily, not anxious also, you need a lot of a lot of patience, give both sides a lot of a lot of time, come slowly.
Good, this is this section class the entire content that I think to be shared for you. Let us do a brief summary finally.
If transform a spouse to make good sweetheart this thing regards as a project goes finishing, so the first pace, you should believe you are capable to let the husband make a change above all.
The 2nd pace, undertake to transforming a mate the project is analysed.
1) the changes impossibly also anyhow part on spouse body is: Equality of feature of family background of his birthplace region, family, growing experience, body, intellective water.
2) the share that very difficult change stabilizes quite on spouse body is: Interest of his disposition feature, interest, viewpoint of value and thinking mode, the spouse's parents also is very difficult change.
3) the part that the in a way on spouse body can change hard is: Serve your kind.
The 3rd pace, devise applying plan.
It is the habit that nurturance reason thinks and analyses a problem;
2 it is to use you to be in this series course the 4th class " art ' is communicated inside the ' marriage that lets your happiness lifetime " the communication skill in, through be being communicated effectively, ground of exert a subtle influence on lets a spouse be stood by to your a group of people of same interest;
3 it is to put more attention to be on him body, the trial goes transforming his, adopt your change, ground of exert a subtle influence on affects a spouse to make a change.
The 4th pace, implement already definite project plan. The point here is, be aimed at only solve a problem, and from the simplest place proceed with.
The 5th pace, ceaseless postmortem and amend, the time with enough at the same time put apart, await the occurrence of achievement patiently. The construction that the spouse concerns is not things, however all one's life thing. If do not have good effect to come out temporarily, not anxious also, you need a lot of a lot of patience, give both sides a lot of a lot of time, come slowly.
