Today this class, it is last subject that we discuss behavior to change.
In 8 classes in front, we had explained the attitude with due change, the psychological mechanism that block up changes, and the principle that causes a change and method.
This is told finally, I want to interpret the face is different content in front of the dot, I want to review change itself together with you.
You will be a little strange perhaps, why should we review a change? What does the change have incorrect? We will learn the course that an ego develops, do not come to those who study a change namely?
On one hand, we always expect a change, always be to the change the heart is put yearning, this is right.
But on the other hand, if we do not know the way of the change, want to differ somewhat blindly, "Pursuit is changed " itself can turn our psychology into comfortable area, become us to escape the excuse of real change.
In fact, wanting change itself is a Shuang Renjian.
We go after the backside of the change, hidden mentation is pair of present his dissatisfaction. This kind is malcontent, can change into the motivation of development of course; But it lets you possibly also be on a road, let your angst, confused, self-abased, lose one's head, be immersed in even repeat invalid change in.
The content that this interprets today, hope to be able to help you think namely, is the change that are you having effective?
Two administrative levels of the change
Ever a person that call in asks me: "How can you just go up to live ideally too? "How can you just go up to live ideally too??
I ask him, what is the good life in his eye?
He says: "I do not want to earn a lot of money, I want to do the work that have fun at only, realize self-worth adequately. Realize self-worth adequately..
I ask him: "Is that your present job how? "Is that your present job how??
He says: "I just resigned, applying for a job. I graduate 3 years, this is the 5th my job. The reason Lin Lin that changes the job always, identical is, work every time half an year, I am met special angst, I can think: This is not the job that I want. I do not want to spend lifetime mediocre and unambitiously. Teacher, how can I just realize self-worth? How can I just realize self-worth??
I want to say, you or the issue that do not want to realize self-worth first, still want how to earn money first honester.
I so say, not be to want to hit him. It seems that, he is changed in effort all the time, but some things never had gone however. And the loop that I just think to let him stop this kind to disable.
The possibility that says below me is circled a bit, but very important.
In fact, the change has two arrangement:
, it is the change that serves as content. In this example, work namely.
Another, it is to serve as the change that answers way. In this example, it is him ceaseless exchange labor makes this conduct.
He is changing all the time, it is the job this " content " . And he needs a change truly, did not change however, it is to use ceaseless exchange labor to make those who will answer angst answer way. Seek change blindly, do not have method to find a place for come down to be free from anxiety accumulate, this ability is his real problem.
Occasionally, "Change " as answer means itself, also need a change. This goes up in psychology, have a proper-noun, cry " the 2nd alignment is changed " .
It comes from to cry " change: The problem is formed as regular as what solve " book, the author is American psychologist Wacilaweike (Paul Watzlawick) .
Wacilaweike is in this book, told a lot of example to explain: Why to change did not solve a problem, changed itself to become an issue instead. If you have fun at, can read.
My friend ever had told own his story to me, it is best to change of the 2nd alignment specification.
This my friend had period of time to be immersed in a kind of thought condition that inquire into the root of the matter in the university. Others feels the thing of perfectly justified, he can think a lot of.
For instance he can think: Why should learn English? Why should read? Why should go abroad? Why to want the job to make money...
Excessive pondering over brought issue is: He makes any choices very hesitant, because he always thinks,can consider the issue to be clear about on fountainhead.
This wasted his a lot of time and energy. He is very painful, want a change. Made a lot of attempts, also do not succeed always however.
He goes following the way that parental discussion settles.
Mom says to him: "You ah, hesitate namely. When you are being answered to want to make a choice below, the viewpoint of value that wants him foundation gives different option sort. Such not easy? Such not easy??
He feels mom says very reasonably, did a paragraph accordingly, still can do not have a change. Because he can continue to think, "What is my viewpoint of value? Is this viewpoint of value reasonable? Is this viewpoint of value reasonable??
Later, he goes asking him father, his father says with him: "You this is a kind of special talent. A lot of people just live actually according to common sense, but you can think with reason. I at hand has a lot of stuff now, I should make they build rational thought very difficult. Can be you, met inherently. Not by commonsensible becloud, everything asks why, this is the good habit that surveys the world. Although expend bit of time energy, it is however very worthiness. It is however very worthiness..
His father still says: "You need not change not only, and hold this good convention even, meet in the future of the use on the clique. Meet in the future of the use on the clique..
He feels father says very reasonably also. After going back, although he still can think with kink these problems, tried to change no longer however, result, his humor is good instead rise, think so that also do not have so much.
The mother that why urges him to change fails to let him change, urge the father that he does not change however instead, facilitated his change? Is this very interesting chemical reaction?
We do an analysis with change of the 2nd alignment.
Think more when anything crops up, the hesitation when making a choice, this is me the content that that friend wants to change. And he always feels he has a problem, want hard to change oneself position, this is him regard a kind as to answer way the change.
His mom gives his proposal, it is to change content, and his father changes, be " he wants a change " this answers means itself.
Why is father's proposal more significant? This is concerned with the idea with the very main another in psychology -- ego is admitted.
What ego admits is substaintial: Abandon
"Ego is admitted " this word, I believe you had listened too much, but actually we are admitted to ego have two great misunderstanding.
The first misunderstanding is, thinking ego is admitted is to be not changed.
Change this concept from the 2nd alignment, you can understand, admitting ego itself is a kind of change, and it is very difficult change.
Where be hard? Be in hard bear.
The person should have worry only, always want a change. But, suitable condition adversity is the normal of life, occasionally we need to stand bad situation, even if cannot see a hope temporarily.
The 2nd misunderstanding is, when a lot of people say ego is admitted, it is actually treat it as the way that gets another kind of benefit.
Often the person that call in says with me: "Teacher, I become aware I am very much place is bad. Want to admit oneself very much, how can you be ability is accomplished? How can you be ability is accomplished??
When him so when saying, he is actually admit ego should make the instrument that obtains happy, quiet, joy. What think in his heart is: If ego was admitted, then I can become better.
You look, this still is to want a change substantially. Pursuit ego admits this pursuit itself, it is the reason that he cannot admit ego.
Ego is admitted is not pursuit, abandon however.
What is those who abandon? It is the excessive control with the sort of vivid opposite, right " perfect ego " and " ideal world " illusion and hold read aloud.
In psychotherapy domain, have a kind of very famous treatment, be called " Sen Tian therapeutics " , its core concept is: Taking a problem to live; Should be place.
Means, do not want kink the problem at yourself, the normal state that it should become you to live, and go dedicated the issue that wants to do truly at you. This ability is the essence that ego admits.
Return just the story of my friend. Why is father's method more effective? The issue that his father wants him to change, became a kind of resource that does not need a change.
This reason persuaded him, let him can put down him angst, seek a change blindly no longer. is this is put down, let him come out from the disengagement in invalid change, implemented real change.
The decision criteria of significant change
I believe, this moment you will be a bit muddleheaded. I used 8 taxes in front negotiate a change, it is very important to say ego is admitted again suddenly here.
So, when should seek a change, when is this ego admitted? Perhaps say, when be being changed is useful, when to change can you become an issue?
I can give you a simple level: View the action that you change, it is the condition that improved you after all, still managed your situation, let you become even more flooey.
Normally, invalid change can maintain a symptom, form a kind of vicious circle. If your change is included,be in this kind of vicious circle, then you were about to take care.
Cite a case: We now and then metropolis insomnia, insomnia is very of anguish letting a person. But, if insomnious person wants to change insomnia very much this thing, then he can become very vigilant.
Want to be asleep mistily in original exhaustion, his thought " I was about to be asleep " , regain consciousness again immediately came over. The thought aggravate that considers a change insomnia, this became a kind of vicious circle.
The friend that this ceaseless exchange labor makes in front also is such.
His target is implementation self-worth, need accumulates realize self-worth, but the target of this Utopian type makes him ceaseless seek a change, lost the process that ego accumulates thereby.
The more such, he jumps over angst, jump over angst, consider a change more, formed another kind of vicious circle.
So, when we want a change, want to ask oneself two questions:
The first, what I encounter, be the world be inferior to meaning, be still the issue that needs a change?
We this world, itself has a lot of faulty, it is not designed by our idea.
For instance: We are met now and then insomnia of angst, meeting, bad, meeting encounters understanding situation all sorts of setbacks.
But these are not problems, it is the normal state that the world runs. If we are wrong the world be inferior to meaning, when the issue that became us to want to solve, the change does not have the effect not only, still can become an issue occasionally.
The 2nd, we want the effort of the change, interrupt the course that develops naturally?
So, when you want a change, want to think: If I do not make a change, is the common law that world nature develops how?
Because want to cast off angst,cannot change with respect to rapid move, if the purpose of our change interrupted the course of this kind of natural evolution, then it does not have the effect not only, and still can become an issue.
To here, the course that we change about behavior was finished, let us consider course back and forth the content of the first part.
How is we explained action maintained, where is the difficulty of the change. The change occurs very hard, because,be:
- Old some behavior has its profit; Comfortable area lets psychology we answer question of manage of means place to go with what be familiar with; Our everybody has the psychological immunity system that block up changes.
We also explained a few methods that cause a change, include:
- Examine the regulation of behavior backside; Accumulate a few small successes; Create the field of the change for oneself; Arouse a sentiment.
Finally, our differentiate and analyse disable and change effectively. Invalid change itself is a kind of psychology comfortable area.
Perhaps you had noticed, negotiate the change to the change when us, namely when ego is admitted, we had entered the field of thinking actually.
The change includes the change of behavior not only, still include the change of thinking, the person's idea and action are promoted each other.
In next part of course, we can tell:
- The person's intelligence is there may be what thinking trap on your body that how runs; How can these thinking trap limit the development of ego; How does ability development give more active, bouncier thinking way, of stimulative ego grow.
