We continue to say the concern that follows a person today. One respecting concerns, cooperate, a word that a lot of people can think of is " do not rely on chart " , not be I do not rely on chart, that person that is collaboration does not rely on chart. Come from this, feel human to the relation compares a trouble. What thing lets myself a person is done, can do very well. Once drag in arrives others, business associate, group, party A, was over.
Imagine, you accomplish a thing with people cooperation, many do not rely on chart. Say a kind of the commonnest condition, you make an item together with the leader, you see difference of purpose, obviously your idea is better, but lead even if do not adopt. The leader holds to his opinion, final result is done was bungled. But whole group wants,bear loss. You offerred better program obviously, but your performance, your end of the year award, your rising, can be affected. So you say, it is difficult that with the person that doesn't rely on chart collaboration has many?
This kind of thing, want very life letting a person. I teach a course before, complete work in group. The operation that has a group crossed date of expiration to just be given in come, I buckled cent to them. Several groups member will look for me, say, mr. Li, you should not buckle our cent, our exercise at that time is deal out everybody makes one part, the part of myself finished on time, hand in there the group leader. It is a group leader protracted plan, did not send you before in Deadline. Responsibility is in completely his person, not be my fault.
Notice this word, " the fault that is not me. "
This saying is too common: It is decision-making error of the boss obviously, cause a project development is bad, but every employee is bearing a loss; It is the child is had an insatiable desire for obviously play not to love to learn, success went problem teacher to look for the parent; It is to cooperate to just do not rely on chart obviously, protracted project plan, the risk that you assume a project to adjourn together. It is difference of disposition of the other side obviously, blame you not to know tolerance however...
Not be my fault, result I am assumed together. Do you say this world preach manages? Without the truth.
But we are in face this unreasonable world, how should adjust oneself thinking?
Share an important reflection with everybody today means, responsibility.
Academic
This word has responsibility two kinds of different language situations, one kind is to chase after duty, censure, after a saying its happening, consequence is assumed by who. Two car happening trace remaining part, responsibility is in hind car, this is an objective regulation, this car is in charge of undertaking compensatory to the accident from the back, processing. This never mind is good discuss. But the responsibility that we say today, those who say is additionally one kind of meaning, what it considers is, before an its happening, are you in how old on degree capable to change this job? It is a kind of thinking that we build compose to come out.
E.g. , when I drive, want to change, by the car from the back trace remaining part. Just said, not be my responsibility, I need not be out of pocket, but I think, hey a moment ago changed I can do this process a bit weller, hit a bit earlier turn to the lamp, fall speed, the likelihood is unapt trace remaining part. What am I pondering over at that time? Those who think is, how to avoid this issue next time?
Do I have method to avoid this issue really? Depend on I am in how old on degree, build compose to give his responsibility for this thing.
We will reiterate this definition: Responsibility, change the influence of a thing namely.
Where is what meaning? You build compose to give how old responsibility, also be equal to at you how old influence lets an its happening, perhaps do not happen. A thing, you do not have influence, do not have responsibility. You want how old power, go assuming how old responsibility.
We will see a case that does not have influence:
You went out to be grabbed, the other side is taking a knife, constitution is very strong, you had not hit him, you are done not have so that choose at all in this thing. This its happening is on your body, you also prevent her without ability without influence, at that time, you do not have responsibility of course.
So who is responsible? The police is responsible, gave this kind of job we should call the police for a short while. The person that because he is of public order,safeguard, he has certain competence to prevent this thing. His liability is so bigger than you, of course his power is greater than you also.
We change a case now, if not be,be held the knife is robbed, then the individual did not take a knife, use however cheat, made up a lie to let you give him money, and you were believed. After the event has answered a god to come, you very regret, how so stupid be given to cheat by him. At that time, you feel you have little responsibility, attention, not be to censure, not be to chase after duty, chase after duty the object remains that cheater. What is what say here? It is the 2nd kind of responsibility, change the influence of this thing. You encounter this kind of trouble next time, have method to avoid? You can say the possibility, through this lesson, I will be a bit more careful, won't believe stranger easily again. Good, come so you reduced yourself to suffer losing probability, even if have little only. This bits, it is your influence, also be the responsibility that you assume for this thing.
But the child that we change 3 years old again, if he was cheated, we won't say this child has what responsibility, because his cognitive ability can't let him,have the possibility of the choice. He lets this thing do not happen on him body without influence.
So next, what I should tell you is, you should make yourself much assume a bit responsibility.
Why? Not be to censure, however the influence to increase you. Because of responsibility, be equal at changing the influence of a thing.
What method to adopt? This is the core idea that we should introduce today: Ego accredit.
In a class, we were told projectile. We understand, be in same among the thing, what I see is my thing, what others sees is the thing of others, the thing is same, but " my angle " and " the angle of others " different. If I need not break switch these two angle, I can see, have the thing of one-sided action rarely, everything included two kinds of active force, others makes one part, I make another part. When only these two kinds of force cooperate each other, this thing just can happen.
Alleged ego accredit, go realising namely: I cooperate in this in, what to do?
Where is what meaning? Good, if you do not have understanding, asked you not to think again, put out this frequency.
1, 2, 3 -- was put out?
I ask you, were you put out?
You were not put out! I let you close, why don't you close?
You can say, neuropathic, you let me close, do I work should listen to you?
Good, you saw, this calls ego accredit.
You are not each word listen to me, right incorrect? You feel of without reason, you won't listen. Some people perhaps can put out this frequency really, people asks: You how not attend a lecture? He says, do not know, the teacher lets me put out.
This word does not have missay. But, in the thing that a moment ago produced, he said one share only: The teacher lets him put out. So listen, be like the command that is my one-sided. But you serve as without obedient person, you know, the face has two shares actually here, one part is I let him put out, another part is the word that he chose to listen to me. From the back this one part, it is his accredit, the part that he shares jointly. He chose to hear my word, he need not listen of course, you did not close. But he closed darlingly.
In this example, "What does others do " it is one part, still having one share is " what do I do " . We are used to seeing " others " , be like this thing is others one-sided decision. The acknowledge of ego accredit, it is to help us catch often uncared-for another part, follow in this thing namely " I " concern that: Others wants to let this thing happening, in the meantime, I also allowed this thing happening, two conditions are satisfied at the same time, this thing just can happen. This is the process of accredit: I award allow the power that it produces. Once realise this, the inference of follow a rational line to do some work well is: If I want to let this thing do not happen, also be powerful.
Elaborate
But such elaborating, may let a person have a bit doubt: Is this censuring a victim namely?
A person hit me one fist, it is his fault obviously, someone still says: How don't you revolt then? You do not revolt, you allow it to happen this business, you are responsible. My day, I got hurt, I am responsible still! This is today we very a kind of antagonistic idea: An evildoing happening is on victim body, a female was annoyed by the gender, next our someone else says above all: Are you being worn too exposed? You should review your issue. This is what logic, the bastard's logic.
Want to clarify this, above all I should say, the responsibility that we say is not to censure absolutely, not be to say you responsible in a thing, you with respect to err, deserve to be harmed. If who wants to pay price for this thing, it is that applies the person that kill without doubt.
The responsibility that we say, it is to face a kind of future to be able to accuse to feel: You have idea, let oneself be harmed later no longer by this kind?
You have idea, let oneself be harmed later no longer by this kind?
You may have noticed, what we say is to be able to accuse to feel, it is the possibility that you have method to change this job. Not be the fact of an objective existence, it is a kind of thinking. We had been told repeatedly in the course in front, the belief of a kind of compose that be built.
Same a thing, the belief of different person is different. The job gave an issue, look in A, he believes he can be changed, " next time I change method of a kind of job " . And look in B, he believes he does not have method change, " the boss lets me so do, the boss' command, can be I done? " they who did become wrong? Do not have a fault. They have respective importunate idea.
Want discussion core today so, not be to say in fact you have responsibility after all, nonexistent this fact. However from subjective set out, do you wish to not be willing to believe you are responsible? The key depends on believing. You say yourself a bit responsibility is done not have, OK, this also is a kind of view. You say I am willing to believe I have a bit responsibility, where is it? Then you have a look, ego accredit.
The case that begin discusses, branch group finishs the job, some classmate individuals were finished, but the group leader was not referred on time, implicative these classmates also were buckled cent. This thing is inequitable, affirmative. But, can you still have this kind of thing next time?
If a certain classmate uses the reflection of ego accredit means, he can think: Does this thing have my authorization? Also have actually, I gave a group leader to be over exercise, I think he can be referred on time, had not affirmed with him from the back, consider me blind eye. Good, I draw a lesson, must stare at him to refer the next time cannot! If he is not handed in, him member that I organize other group is handed in.
This person was equivalent to increasing his liability: His responsibility not only it is to finish oneself work that, the process that ensures this exercise is referred even won't go wrong. Come so, he won't encounter this kind of hapless trouble again the next time.
But of course, also some groups member ill-affected. He feels is not my responsibility, it is the group leader's problem. I should accomplish my thing only enough, this system is unwarrantable I notch, it is this system bad. OK, he is willing to think so, OK also.
A person went out to be grabbed purse. He does not have a fault, of course, he does not need to be in charge of for this thing. But does after method lets him, he avoid this kind of issue? He says here public security is bad, later I did not go out in the evening. This is a kind of method. He says I want to change life of a place, move a safer city. This also is a kind of method. Or he goes doing more businesses, go improving the public security here, go controlling the government of public order, go preventing the happening of dangerous incident, this is different method.
All these method, it is to assuming responsibility actually, it is the power that putting oneself closes, in the hand that grabs oneself.
1996, the United States gets Kesasi the little girl that the city has 9 years old, the name calls An Po. She is at the door the home amuse oneself when, let hellion go to disaster. An Po's family calls the police rapidly, but did not find a person, after 4 days, discover her already be murdered.
An Po's family is very furious, they established an organization technically, legislation of requirement place government will protect more children. The impact of this thing is bigger and bigger, local broadcasting station cooperates with police, made the first warming system of American that install Po. Once again the child is missing, use the fastest means with respect to the information TA, the announcement arrives all round almost all dwellers. Everybody can get a short message, include the child's photograph, basic information, if kidnap when somebody saw, the information such as the figure that offender still can include in the short message so, dress is described. American other place also begins follow the lead of later, made the system installing Po of own place.
Now, the system that install Po enclothed the United States all 50 cities. Adopt this warming system, every year more than 1000 are missing children is looked for by successful ground. There still are 20 many states on the world imitated United States, made oneself warming system that install Po.
This story with tragic begin, but it lets a person very shake. An Po is not the United States absolutely the first by the children of abduct, but before never the person is organized successfully, go thinking what we can do, avoid to produce this kind of tragedy the next time. Every citizen does not have a fault, produce this kind of job, the person that err is that convict of course. But, everybody can assume a bit responsibility, will avoid to appear next time this kind of thing. I say this, seize power in him hand. What influence? Change the influence of this thing.
The thinking of accredit of this kind of ego is very hard. Be in hard hard, want to take this power when us, it is in other words when assuming this responsibility, we regarded it as censure, think cannot refrain fromingly: I am a victim, why should blame oneself?
You think, obviously I finished the task on time, my group leader was delayed refer, as a result I say: I have due responsibility, next time I should supervise and urge he is referred. -- what spirit is this? Can you feel this is not is bone picked in the egg? Not necessary.
If you encounter a partner that does not rely on chart, I tell you now: The business was not done good, want to consider your duty. Think method prevents this kind of situation next time. -- you also can feel, neuropathic? It is his problem obviously, how don't you say him?
So ah, put blame to others body, it is the easiest, it accords with elementary human nature.
How so much person can complain otherwise?
You often do not say to complain bad. I feel occasionally: Can complaining is a very happy thing really. When thinking you complain, look for a friend to drink together, say, I encountered a boss that does not rely on chart, I encountered the Party A of a special highest grade, I encountered the client of a particularly strange flower, still have a wife that can quarrel with me particularly. Hapless. But say these words when, very relaxed? What actually it says is, I am very good, I pass badly now, it is by me beside these person complicity.
Put power in others hand, it is more relaxed forever.
Only question is, I give off influence. While I am so relaxed, did to set beforehand actually: I do not have this thing method change, I do not have method. That person that encounters except nonego relies on chart, otherwise I was decided to death, whats are done. I can take fraction, basically depend on the group leader that can encounter to refer exercise on time. My life looks him to rely on not to rely on chart.
This kind ponders over means, be equal to is you gave someone else your influence release.
You should call in this influence, you are about to assume more responsibility. You should assume responsibility, you do not have a law to complain so bright. The person of ego accredit can live harder. This is a kind of reflection that turns over human nature means, need breaks his comfortable division ceaselessly.
Will look from the result, such results to a thing often can have more palms to accuse force.
So, how is making gift after all better? Do not have fixed answer actually, you can choose, in different thing, can have different accredit proportion. Some things, you responsibility bypass, compare purely when a victim relaxed. Additionally a few things, you hope better the outcome that the palm controls it, then you are about believe in preexistence brains: I should bear bigger responsibility for it.
Or you can explore to spend aptly: Better in condition, can assume more a bit when, can adjust toward the direction of ego accredit, put oneself a bit more greatly in the part among a thing, assumed responsibility is bit more, ask oneself more: " am I how to allow this thing happening? What can I do have? What can you still do? " if you feel uncomfortable, too tired, you close, look for a friend to be loosened, say: " I do not want to be in charge of, I want to complain with you complain. "
Yourself decision should put his attributive in which the position.
Become you to be able to see this, actually you also had finished the acknowledge of this one pace to upgrade. You know size of so called responsibility also is a kind of belief that can choose, after the choice, we just can build distinct cause and effect. This is the station concerns one paragraph in higher level regard, without lasting responsibility, also do not have ought to influence, you can be assumed already also need not assume, this is your choice.
Exercise:
If you understood today's content, then we do the exercise of an ego accredit.
Remember above all, it is not necessary. It can make you much come out a few responsibility, let you feel very inequitable occasionally. If you feel disgusted very much to responsibility, need not do this exercise. But you want to know, responsibility is equal to influence. At the same time you should know you have so that choose.
Good, memory lets you one paragraph feel not quite satisfactory recently, not quite the relation that relies on chart.
Can be not quite the colleague that relies on chart, leader, also can be your family, your friend. If these respects want to be less than specific example, you feel we this class not quite rely on chart, OK also, you can imagine the concern that follows me makes you not quite satisfactory.
Next, ask you to ask your 3 questions:
The first, if use per cent to differentiate, in this paragraph of dissatisfactory relation, how much does I and his responsibility occupy each?
For instance, you make an item with people cooperation, he is done very slow, protracted the project makes progress. You feel his responsibility is occupied 100% , you 0% .
The 2nd, ask oneself, I hope I have much power power, will improve this paragraph of relation?
You may say 10% , 20% , 50% , OK. Should not be 100% , you do not have so great power.
Now, subtract with the 2nd number the first number, this gotten margin, it is you are in all the time grant each other, be in at present by exercise of the other side, and the influence that you hope to close. Perhaps saying is responsibility. Now, the most crucial question is the 3rd:
E.g. this balance be 20% , draw up are you OK from what does the place call in this 20% ? That is to say, said to calculate by him so, you are in all the time acquiesce, you feel now, must come according to your meaning, cannot let him say to calculate again:
For example, the other side is protracted project plan, you may think of 20% include:
Previously, I give him the Deadline finally only, later won't, I want a place before crucial time node.
Previously, I make his person own finish the job, later won't, I want the progress of time follow-up project.
Previously, he procrastinates I can make allowances for him between delay time, later won't, miss Deadline I can be assessed strictly.
This is an example only, in the relation that has a try to be encountered in yourself, can you still think of what to responsibility assume?
Might as well discuss with different person, look in oneself occasionally, true already it doesn't matter can do. But the glasses that just wearing a pair of inherent conviction because of you then, for instance: " he such, I always cannot quarrel with him one " , be like you to do not have more influence, but perhaps others can see different thing, they can say: " why cannot? Is this still in accredit? "
Epilogue:
Today's course arrives here. We said responsibility, said the power of the change, also said the authorization in this process. These are the product that we build form. In traditional idea, whose thing should be who, the one party of err just needs to adjust, ought not to your responsible thing need not be in charge of namely. Be like you to be able to bear only all results, without the leeway of the change. We can choose now, in believe I concern in a paragraph, we have greater power to come hasten benefit avoids kill, but premise is, I am willing to bear bigger responsibility for this.
