Each ordinary you, have distinctive charm. Everybody is good, I am inscription brilliant.
Beginning us before today's theme, ask authority first, had you encountered these the following and similar cases?
For instance, the friend looks for you to lend money, you want to borrow not quite, cannot find appropriate occasion to refuse however, so you hesitate a long time, do not know to should refuse?
You go to Japan travelling, your kin lets you take Bao of meal of a report to him, you disrelish it to be weighed again big, but do not know how politely refuses again?
The roommate that lives together with you every day loiter protects skin to taste with yours, in your heart very malcontent, but feel embarrassed again say.
A friend is lovelorn, want to look for you to complain, you want to make her garbage can far from, but you cannot bear,the heart refuses.
Be asked to help him finish a few private affairs of his individual by your boss, do not be willing very much obviously in the heart, but you dare not refuse.
Will hear these words again: Do not know to should refuse, do not know how to refuse, feel embarrassed refuse, not give the heart to refuses, dare not refuse, is those who say be you?
Actually, do not understand, not dare, feel embarrassed etc, these words, of the description is a kind of state of mind, hiding meaning is, if I reject others, may bring bad result to each other. Awkward situation, destroy each other relationship even.
Actually, these example of above are the personal experience that produces in my student, they think, refusing is a very difficult issue. Yes, reject others, may let you drop pink. If refuse,do not pass proper, perhaps bring win-win likely still to everybody, return the individual glamour that can promote you even. So this class, I should teach you to refuse.
Of course, our key is absent refuse, and depend on how clever refuse. The rejection that lets you does not harm yourself not only, return the individual glamour that can add you instead.
The first skill is, move wants to appeal when refusing object, reduce appeal grade.
Alleged " move seeks help object " , point to will appeal the object is transferred from him body, offer the person selected that suits to help each other more actively. Such doing can decrease reject the influence to you, unapt also influence arrives your interest or human relation.
Cite a case, for instance at ordinary times your English is pretty good, your friend wants to look for you to help translate a document, but the major that the interpreter is not you after all, right now you can tell him, I am not an interpreter, have a lot of term, I do not know how to hold. I think, I am not the optimal person selected that helps you, be bungled to avoid me to do the business, I can recommend a professional interpreter to give you.
Do you to be able to make the other side clear so, you are not to reject him, because you are not,help his optimal person selected however.
And so called " reduce help rank " , show you are in reject others while, need gives others other and feasible resource, offer another person another solutions. That is to say, although this your requirement I am not helped on, but I can provide another helps.
E.g. , your colleague asks you to help him do a PPT, but the duty limits that this is not you, when you reject him, you can be used reduce help rank, will reject the other side. "I am not quite familiar to the specific content of this plan, nevertheless I can help you search first a few lofty the PPT pattern plate that go up and material of a few keys, such you are done it is more easy to be met. Such you are done it is more easy to be met..
Through this kind move seeks help object, reduce those who help social estate to reject way, can let while you reject others, offerred better solution for the other side, also help you and the other side establish nicer link.
Stunt of the 2nd refus is artful, tell others you reject the argument of the other side namely.
When refusing, tell the argument that you reject others, can more absolutely than direct refus Fang Gengrong lets a person easily accept. Cite a case, do my PPT than letting you help him as the thing, you can say to your colleague: "Very feel sorry, because I am doing a boss to explain the file that come down now, help you without method really. Help you without method really..
If you want to refuse more adequately, can say reason again a few more specificly so. "Very feel sorry, because I am making a very important and urgent file now, the employer should give before Zhou Wu, help you without method really so. Help you without method really so..
While this skill can let you reject others, give others a sufficient reason, increase others to understand to yours, form the closed circuit of thinking, make other more recipient.
Stunt of the 3rd refus is artful, be be opposite the other side your demand, change becomes pair of opposite party sympathize with with the heart that be the same as manage.
This word feels to circle a mouth at first, but the core that it conveys is, the angle that stands in the other side considers consequence. Will refuse through this kind of means, can let the other side experience your enthusiasm and care.
For instance, myself encounters a case that pass.
One of these day at night, I receive the telephone call of a shirttail kin, she hopes I help her use method of a few law, go coercing off the rails husband change one's views. After I listen to her complain tearfully silently, I tell her: "Thank your accredit to me very much, I think of when you need to help, regard a woman as me likewise special also understanding your place, also very feel distressed your experience, just be very sorry, I cannot give you possibly expectant help, but I can give you help and support on mentally and spirit. When you have any need, can call to pour out with me. Can call to pour out with me..
In this incident, I convey me straight-outly to cannot satisfy requirement of the other side possibly to the other side, but the understanding that also lets the other side know I encounter to her at the same time, in all affection and self-identity.
The other side of a lot of moment appeals to you, not be true must the plea that we accept him. Want to know us to be being listened attentively to truly and be admitted only, she is met very contented.
Want to had used this device, want be considerate to experience the feeling of the other side first, crucial point depends on, cannot bear when us when the heart rejects other, in our heart, it is true station is on the footing of the other side, true with the other side in all of affection. This kind is close, what also can let the other side experience you is genuine. That such rejection, can deepen other and your close sense instead.
The 4th skill, proper give the impression of weakness, let other realize their behavior hurts your profit.
Give the impression of weakness also is a very good rejection method. When it is cheap to appeal to you when the other side or want to occupy you, you can be behaved more miserably than her, let you " feel embarrassed say not " , it is cheap to just feeling embarrassed to occupy you again to become, feel embarrassed to raise unjustifiable requirement with you again.
For instance, the roommate often uses your thing, use you protect skin to taste, drink the milk of your freezer secretly, at that time you can say " I am very poor recently, protect skin to taste be about to give out, did not have money to buy, drink even milk very quickly did not rise, your relief can want when arriving! Your relief can want when arriving!!
After you say this word, the roommate that believes you understood, also no longer loiter of have the nerve your thing. Occasionally, give the impression of weakness needs anticipate the enemy, can strangle the inurbane request of the other side in pharynx and larynx so.
I remember strong finish school that year, encounter similar case. Have an unfamiliar one day classmate of junior high school looks for me suddenly to chat, will ask on him " recently how? Hear you are mixed well. " intuition tells me, the person that never contacts with you looks for you suddenly, it is to have certainly beg at you. Then my answer says: "Not quite good recently, you how? You how??
He says " I encounter bit of trouble recently, want to ask you to help. " I listen, remembered other classmate has pass, this classmate caught drug addiction, had lent money to several classmates and did not return. Then, I understand his meaning probably, one-up say: "As it happens, I am occupied also want to ask you to help. My at hand is particularly close recently, doing insurance Wu with others, are you hit do not plan does from me here buy an insurance? " just made this word in me while, he sends a word: "The closest short of money, want to lend a dot money with you. Want to lend a dot money with you..
As a result you also are guessed for certain, very fast his head portrait with respect to concealed body, got offline from now on, also had not looked for me again.
You look, give the impression of weakness this skill, with good word, OK and clever rejection is very much needless thing, be opposite especially for the female, it is advantaged advantage.
Want respecting next, the 5th skill, strive for to oneself ponder over time, defer answer. When others requests us, do not promise the other side immediately, you are OK the time protraction answer.
Say for example, "I issue a week rejoin you " . Can give him more time to think so, this method is help ourselves, do not reflex sexual ground answer to answer the request of others. You need to ponder over your to need the thing of the most preferential processing at present, and after promising the other side to request, you need to pay what sacrifice and price.
After you ponder over an end, if be to refuse, with respect to the operation that can return 4 skill above.
Nevertheless, the time of the response is unfavorable also procrastinate too longly, because do not give answer to just appear more likely tardy people most afraid negative result, harm the feeling of the other side, human relation that destroys you for example.
A moment ago 5 methods of respecting, it is clever rejection skill.
But actually, I can discover some student, existed on acknowledge to refusing error.
For instance, some people feel to reject to be able to harm two the individual's relations, accordingly they fear to reject others; And some people can think, reject the other side to be able to let his enrol a person to be fed up with, accordingly they do not know to should refuse; And some people can think, reject others, can make others more painful, accordingly they cannot bear the heart refuses.
There is a word on that psychology, cry " excessive sympathize with " , simple for namely, you take the place of yourself very easily into the anguish to the other side, you hope what to do to help the other side eliminate anguish very much.
What derive from here is " Immanuel complex " , immanuel complex shows a kind of exceeding aids person behavior, the person that contains this kind of complex always imagines the difficulty of the other side, the anguish of enlarge the other side and need, not hesitate him sacrifice, will satisfy opposite party.
Accordingly, some fear to refuse, not give the heart to goes repudiator, contain this kind of complex namely. So at that time, how should be you done?
Above all, we should " refuse " this thing rationalize.
Rationalize can help you eliminate after rejecting others " uneasiness and hesitation " . And particular operation is, you should reject behavior to seek a reasonable ground to your. This reason is to compare you certainly " accept " the requirement of the other side is more convincing.
For instance, hello rest not easily in the home on the weekend, the colleague with good as a result relationship wants to ask you to help go to a company doing bit of thing, you do not know to should agree. At that time you see the child beside, you can find more reasonable reason.
"Can rest not easily on the weekend very much, I work usually so busy, accompany my family and child well without time, the problem that the work in the same placing encounters on the job, he himself can think method is solved. Accompany family and child, just be more important thing. " after the reason that finds rationalize when you, you can discover, refuse no longer so difficult.
Next, you need to establish your bottom line and principle.
The experience lesson that the bottom line of a person and principle know regular meeting him basis, viewpoint of value, and the cognitive mode that reviews in growing process will build. If you once had undergone the experience that produces unpleasantness because of economic come-and-go with the friend, so harm to avoid to get again, you can be established do not talk between the friend " money " , or " group of deal shoulds not between the friend " this kind of similar principle.
Again for instance, two oneself friends are matched before Lily, after as a result two people part company blame Lily this go-between, two people came and go with Lily no longer. Since then, lily established two principles to oneself, "Do not introduce a boy or girl friend to the friend " and " not the feeling of sophisticate friend " .
That traumatic experience, make your bottom line the most easily. Because this everybody is OK,decide oneself principle and border according to his experience and criterion. After the bottom line that can establish oneself when you and principle, you can protect your interest, avoid to be being pulled by others in hesitation nose goes.
Finally, you are need ego is sturdy.
After the bottom line that establishs oneself when you and principle, what need accomplishs is ego sturdy. Ego is sturdy, it is to point to a kind " advocate for oneself " individual character, have the person of this kind of character, can mix in the position that maintains oneself sturdily achieve a goal while, do not hurt the profit of other, control the impulse of oneself aggressiveness.
The method with that the most effective sturdy ego, I call it: "Repeat a principle 3 times " . That is to say, we can repeat identical content 3 times with invariable mood, this method not only the rejection that can let you has power more, also meet more sturdy your footing.
Encircle in recreation before, meeting teaching actor uses this method.
For example, it is before in the news briefing, the reporter examines minutely some actor's off the rails red is heard, the actor's answer is " I do not accept any interview concerning that what my illicit life lives. " the reporter does not stop the ground changed a means to continue to examine minutely, the result is the result that gets same mood " I do not accept any interview concerning that what my illicit life lives. " but the meaning that the reporter still did not want to let off him, although this actor complexion has had a bit malformation, still insisted to repeat same answer with calm mood however. Final reporter invites ridicule rebuff, closed mouth.
Learned this method when us, can indicate oneself position not only, had guarded oneself bottom line, still can accomplish do not take a mood, do not injure another person.
Sum up finally, we are aimed at today cannot " refuse " a few kinds of different state of mind, gave out 5 clever refus stunt are artful, they are respectively " move seeks help object and reduce help rank " " appeal to continuously reject a reason " " emphasize be consider of the other side and support in all affection " " give the impression of weakness and anticipate the enemy " " defer replies " , in the meantime, return church everybody wants ego sturdy.
Become an attractive person, not only the help that should provide in one's power genuine and enthusiasticly for other, learn to harming the heart that we face honestly below the circumstance of other even. Reject this art so, did you learn?
Each ordinary you, have distinctive charm, I am inscription brilliant, we next time adieu, do obeisance to.
Today's small operation is, the attempt uses the means that defer replies, will answer a plea. Next the choice rejects a method to reject him among them. Advertent after refusing, have what effect.
