Of article Piao heart aid senior writer green Mi Luyue
Advocate sow | Triumphant small on the west
After cold war passes, are this active?
Come from a heart aid
00:0019:45
Heart Mr Yue:
Cold war represents sedulous inhospitality, and inhospitality looks honest too resemble caring. Do not care, just be the biggest to feeling provoke.
"Cold war the 16th day, still have 5 days of times that I do not have him with respect to meeting habit. Still have 5 days of times that I do not have him with respect to meeting habit..
The boudoir that I show off at ordinary times then is sweet, this cold war sinks so that live to enrage exceptionally however.
She says, not be to have a cycle of nurturance of 21 days of habits.
The 1st day install don't I follow his talk time, allow by his be swayed by considerations of gain and loss, keep read mobile phone address book.
The 2nd day I am not done to him handy, call him a person pitiable substandard sells when stomach-ache.
The 3rd day I do not accompany him to take a walk, let his person cross a street all alone.
The 4th day...
It seems, boudoir honey is within one's grasp of confidence in victory this.
Can if is the think of a way of the other side same also?
The cold war that can last 21 days, it is both sides reached consensus silently normally, who first release what is held whose Song B.
You aux would rather the choice subdues him, also should prove err of the other side.
1
"Be defeated win " it is the greatest harm in cold war
There is a kind to come from in spouse concern " do not talk can dead heavenly body " person, cold war is to be able to want its absolutely of the life reduce ability surely.
To " do not talk person of can dead heavenly body " for, the answer does not give out immediately after quarrelling, it is a quite terrible thing. Because their in one's heart is angst model person, the stand or fall that they believe to the spouse concerns is decided nearly by close alienation.
Such means can destroy cold war greatly their defense mechanism in the relation, once reach consensus with the other side, mean want byelaw of affinity of tear to shreds, from today in the future, never in contact with each other.
" do not talk person of can dead heavenly body " ego existence feels normally very low, they were full of angst in the attaching relation of one's early years.
Parents is right their care stand or fall, they are for instance glad when parents of ground run to, parents is getting angry; When parents of dodge of their panic ground, parents gave them full love however. The not certain sense in affinity lets them very break down, they do not know to should answer a concern with which kind of means, do not know to finish one second, the spouse can leave him.
"Do not talk person of can dead heavenly body " choose active sue for peace, it is to eliminate not certain sense of the heart, although their heart cried 10 thousand times: "The person that do not want and loves cold war continues to interact, such person cannot give him safe sense " , still can aux would rather to finally oneself are upset by unkindness, it is much more important to because maintain a relationship,protect reputation than dimension only.
So look, "Do not talk person of can dead heavenly body " hold out in cold war not dominant, "Person of cold war star " seem to won't get hurt, is saying exactly to won't be defeated?
Not be of course such, the more tall self-respect, the more tall scar, this also is " person of cold war star " fear to lower this head the reason of imperial crown.
Have a few " person of cold war star " quarrel with the spouse, they do not think the fault is in certainly spouse, however oneself are right how repair concerns this problem is already random heart, they must spend time silently to go think and self-condemned, this lets a spouse think they are very irresponsible by accident, also have a few " person of cold war star " do not allow oneself to err, they can feel to be done so very grievance, want to give a spouse silently a bit penalty.
For instance " person of cold war star " after quarrelling with the spouse, oneself are in the heart set a deadline, altogether of cold war deadline 99 days, if the spouse can insist to appear in Home TA everyday downstair, beg comfort, beg compound, beg excuse, hold to 99 days all the time, oneself can remove doubt, stand by the other side, but become a spouse to see " person of cold war star " in the past in 98 days apathetic, when the 99th day when lose patience to leave thoroughly, "Person of cold war star " self-respect can suffer deadly biff, in the defeat that all is defeated in a kind of overall alive.
" person of cold war star " the world is orderly movement, their one's early years was used to a lot of regulation that parents drafts to them, for instance the word must be written every carefully and nearly, gone thing must put which one division later, cannot make mistake, make mistake can be punished, thinking of this kind of compelling makes them very hard in the relation reconcile with the spouse, they dare not admit they err, once admit oneself err, oneself are in the relation no longer perfect.
No matter you are " do not talk person of can dead heavenly body " or " person of cold war star " , cold war is a kind of form that the spouse quarrels only, also be a course that the relation between the spouse changes, in this process you two people leave two such definitions very easily to the other side:
Be your fault obviously, if I start to talk first, that represents my fault.
I know I am wrong, but if you do not start to talk first, can represent your ignored only I.
After all to who is who wrong?
Representing victory or defeat to the fault, this is one kind is defeated gain an idea, having be defeated win the two people of view, be in after reaching consensus, cold war can last, harm also can begin, even if is " do not talk person of can dead heavenly body " admit defeat actively, the problem also was not solved truly, in the future vicious circle is inevitable only.
2
Cold war also is a favour sometimes
One is opposite very be good at handling " cold war " CP, they are " love apartment " the Guan Gu in and leisurely.
Some collect, one person orders Guan Gu and leisurely made bag of a time, their agreement puts in his most important thing, take the other side 50 years to look again later, leisurely filled in all memory that follow Guan Gu to go in, in the time bag that can passing cereal, do not have a thing that concerns with leisurely actually.
Leisurely is very angry, consequence is very serious! She feels to close cereal ignored their relation, reject to talk with Guan Gu, begin cold war.
Result, guan Gu did not apologize, established a regulation jointly with leisurely however:
File the content of instantly conflict temporarily, restore good relations next, wait time has energy explanation to analyse the problem between 2 people, reread archives.
Such means, give both sides more time namely, go judging a relation in terrible, the demand of recognize the other side.
Guan Gu and leisurely processing " cold war " means decomposes for 3 measure:
Armistice files
Leisurely: "Do not apologize with me, do not count on me to talk with you! Do not count on me to talk with you!!
Guan Gu: "It is you peeked my time bursa, why even I apologize. Why even I apologize..
Guan Gu: "We suspend otherwise, keep a file first? Keep a file first??
Before two words look be like in argumentative issue itself, what convey actually is same however a truth, namely: "If you say, I do not want to listen, you are inexorable also if I say... "
When quarrelling with the spouse, we are not sensible normally on mood expression, but also be the most sensible on behavior, we are subliminal opened self defense mechanism, defend ego footing.
We and spouse look be like be in and the other side is violent communication, just undertake making a speech below the spotlight of ego actually, this resembles contest of a controversy, because lack a station incessant in the judgment of indifferent angle.
And if you have in cold war,be defeated win view, it can act the spouse's conflict those who become a power to contend for, the match the first, feeling the 2nd, such going to the contradiction of become acute both sides, cause harm very easily to partner concern.
When cold war is about to begin, if we can stop, will " cold war " translate into " armistice " , say actively in that way like Guan Gu: "We suspend otherwise, keep a file first? " such doing conduce to we and partner keep one's head probably, the position that how both sides finds after doing it vacates a space.
Continue to do the thing that has nothing to do with brawl
After filing, do not contact temporarily, did not meet?
Guan Gu and the practice of leisurely do not talk about brawl temporarily namely that thing, restore good relations first, continue to communicate other topic next, still should have a meal together together, still should play together together, should go to work go to work, should come home come home.
They are quarrelling as it happens should attend party of a friend together in the evening that day, they feel to quarrel and meet is not two things, must distinguish treat, one puts in 's charge, so two people attend a party happily first, waited for friends to walk along ability to take the dispute before discuss.
See here perhaps you want to laugh, you say this is the CP character inside teleplay only, the where in real life has so not the spouse of bear grudges, if you do not take care to offend your partner, never mention it had a meal together, the opportunity that talks minute minutes is done not have.
Of course, whether continue to do the business that has nothing to do with brawl together, need two people to reach consensus, understanding such doing is to have the settlement of specific aim problem, you can seek the opinion of the other side, before explaining you just are in dissension happened on some thing, also did not appear on behalf of other thing same question.
If the other side is not accepted, also need not importune, this is a proposal only, after all our everybody is to need enough space to digest ego mood.
Read the content that quarrels before archives discussion
"Guan Gu, do you want to read archives? Do you want to read archives??
When leisurely asks a such words, the problem that before meaning, two people argue should be taken again again discussed, such doing let each other very easily be immersed in again new in round battle, so did the armistice before waste?
Not be of course.
We agree " armistice " , it is to let a mood do one therein rest, change a point of view, the footing that stands in the other side goes look upon problem.
Continue last time if the problem resembles a between the spouse " brains storm " , as a result of last the contradiction that we fail to solve each other well, take this so discuss, the purpose is to communicate each other idea, rise these idea confluence next, find the union of the interest is nodded between us, each other are reached double win.
Guan Gu and leisurely are in time bursa produced difference on this problem, leisurely feels to close cereal him ignored, guangujiao gets leisurely very willfully make a trouble, at the same time angry also leisurely peeked oneself privacy.
Distinguish the benefit of this pair of CP and kill, we can see, harmful part is two people not quite trustful the other side. Although they cannot reach consensus on trustful means, but still show an issue, that is: "We need the credit of the other side, this accredit is each other acceptance, its connective our future, each other hope to be able to have a long emotional concern. Each other hope to be able to have a long emotional concern..
They want to restore good relations, what should do is to complete each other credit, hear oneself footing explanation to the other side.
Leisurely him explanation is not peek of purpose time bursa of Guan Gu, she just wants to decide future is together with Guan Gu.
Guan Gu tells leisurely, although oneself did not put a souvenir in time bursa, but he made very long-term program to the feeling of oneself and leisurely however, he believes they can be together all the time.
Active when quarrel armistice, cold war became move of a kind of ceremony, when the individual is resolving contradiction, two have tacit agreement more instead, the partner that can become so must have relatively independent self-awareness, understand how to solve the formidable problem in each other relation, ability communicates tacitly.
3
Dissolve cold war, the opportunity is very significant
"We had not talked two weeks, do I want not to start to talk after all? Do I want not to start to talk after all??
A lot of spouses that suffer torment in cold war can ask him this question repeatedly, they resemble probably " do not talk person of can dead heavenly body " be in that way in the relation is easy angst, resemble probably again " person of cold war star " be used to in that way evasive in the relation.
To eliminate angst is mixed evasive, avoid to make a relation exasperate, we need to search follow right mouth turn, whether does this opportunity come, be judged even according to oneself feeling.
Our feeling will experience from the scar that encountering between we and spouse.
Every time we find be swayed by considerations of gain and loss, be certain the other side is about to abandon oneself, this moment mouth just wants to go him abandoning with alluring true the other side. We and the problem that the spouse exists did not get settlement, such opportunity is immature.
Or our habit is niminy-piminy to the spouse, be enlightened is strengthened too scanty from will browbeat the other side, force the other side to come active sue for peace, so such opportunity also is screwier.
Be willing when us only the motive of recognize scar backside, abandon the idea of conjecture the other side, truly favorable opportunity just can come, and before this we need to ponder over the following problems:
Am I in 1. when cold war what is experiencing?
My what utterance and behavior harm went to 2. the other side?
Is what advantage 3. the other side has by me of oversight?
The what misunderstanding in the relation does 4. our need clarify?
What kind of harm can the abidance of 5. cold war cause to bilateral relationship?
What kind of proposal does 6. our need give the relation that will each other come to?
According to these 6 problems, we can arrange our idea, after the mood that adjusting good oneself, go starting to talk with the other side again.
When the mouth, we do not want rapid move to present these 6 problems the other side first, and should respect the other side to whether be willing to accept such communication at the moment, we can try to talk about our feeling first, letting the other side know we are during cold war is what kind of mood.
Our purpose is not to want to make the relation of two people aloofer and aloofer, if before we have harm to arrive the other side, remember make an apology, believe your sincerity the other side can feel, the other side of not ambitious approach can excuse us immediately, also be willing to reconcile in the other side only, before repair when the problem that exists inside feeling, just speak of the part that suggests in the relation in the future with the other side likely.
Want to know, best love is not not to quarrel, quarrelled to still can be together however.
