Before reading, think:
1, what is force is communicated?
2, nonviolent communicate what essential factor is there?
3, how to handle nonviolent communication side the door that you open fortune?
A problem: Had you encountered force is communicated?
Believe a lot of people had encountered such situation in growing process:
Xiaoming He Xiaojiang is classfellow, xiaoming takes the examination paper that move take an examination ofing broke to come home, father face one black ask about: "How to take an examination of so poorly " ? How much did the son of adjoining Laowang take an examination of? Xiaoming says: Good. Father annoyed immediately: "My work from dawn to night earns money to not allow more easy, for you absorption read, you still are taken an examination of so poor! You are really trashy, too make me disappointed! Too make me disappointed!!
Small also take an examination of by force was bungled, the complexion after his father sees examination paper is not good-looking also, but still ask calmingly small strong: "I know to take an examination of broke you very sad! Attend class to was not understood? Be still carelessness? " small say by force: "A few classes did not note listen to a talk, do not follow from the back went up " . His father says: "Never mind, you already combed the problem that does not know first oneself come out, clutch go asking a teacher, seasonable lane understands, mend the fold after a sheep is lost, not was evening! Not was evening!!
Take an exam the next time Xiaoming still fails, small strong however result is favorable.
Xiaoming pa and small strong pa, communicated grade issue with the child, why does received result differ completely? What because of Xiaoming pa uses is force is communicated.
What is force is communicated
Force is communicated is phonetic censures, sneer at, negative, homiletic and random is interrupted, refus is not responded to, the evaluation of optional exit and conclusion. These inadvertently or intended languages are violent, not only at job of no help, still can bring the scar on affection and spirit to other, let a person become self-abased, all up, diaphragmatic be hostile to even. Common saying says: Fine character a 3 winters are warm, person of evil language injury is cold in June. Force is communicated affect domestic feeling not only, on-the-job field or social situation also can make his working associate relation exasperate, fulsome.
Everybody is unavoidable in the job ask for help, outstanding duty field big Ga looking in light of us is how of ask for help:
Original advanced sale is in charge of easy interesting net Luo Li. Ge Le finds new job when Facebook, call Debaige says mulberry of without preamble official of presiding to Facebook operation: "I think and you work in Facebook together. I should tell us to be good at doing what and want what to do, but I discover everybody is in so do. So, I want to ask you, what is your biggest now question? How should I help you solve? How should I help you solve??
Case answer says Sang Debai: Invite applications for a job is my biggest difficult problem, I believe you can solve it. Ge Le shows scene in invite applications for a job later, the occurrences in human life that a few month hind are promoted to be Facebook is in charge of.
The classical place of this paragraph of dialog puts the need of Fecebook in in Yugele the first. Her word makes Sang Debai case astonied, because be in more than 10 years of in the past, sang Debai division employed by tens of thousands employee, had said similar word without anybody. Average person base oneself upon finds appropriate position at be his, be eager to explaining oneself have what technical ability, be competent what work station.
Why of Ge Le apply for so concise and efficient? Because she attacked the need of the other side continuously when the request, this is a kind of nonviolent communication skill.
What dispute force is communicated
Marshall of American psychological doctor. A book that Luxembourg writes, cry " nonviolent communicate " . Marshall was 2006 the bridge award gainer of peace of earthly village foundation, he discovered a kind of communication way, it comes to according to talk and listen respectfully, can make people affection is interlinked, harmony gets along, this is communicated with respect to dispute force.
This book adopts case and practice, elaborated to us how talk and listen attentively to, will achieve conversational goal. Summary rises 4 element: View, feeling, need, beg. Convey oneself impressions demand, listen attentively to the impressions demand of other.
How to use 4 element
So how to apply " nonviolent communicate " these element? We look together:
The first essential factor that observes dispute force is communicated. It makes us careful watch occurrent thing, speak observation result clearly.
For instance company staff old king is late 2 days continuously, the result of observation is: He was late 10 minutes yesterday, be late 20 minutes today.
Nonviolent communicate do not advocate will observe and comment on confuse sth with sth else, such others hear criticism with respect to meeting apt, the heart gives birth to allergy.
Ask Laowang so for instance: "How are you often late? " qualitative be often is a comment, old Wang Yi listens inevitable grouchy, in case he really there is good reason for it, can explain and refute. When be being communicated so, we should notice to distinguish observation and comment, the feeling that it brings a person is different. Say to observe a result only, do not say to comment on an opinion, more conduce to the opinion that lets the other side admit you.
Normally we think conversation is not cerebrum ponders over mouth to say, be really such?
We will see a case: Express member Xiaowang sends express to reach evening to a company, addressee be furious, do not be willing to pay fee of 20 yuan of express, gave 15 yuan only. Xiaowang says earnestly: "This is the price that the company sets, if you give 15 yuan only, then I can help you pay back 5 yuan only, otherwise I cannot report to the superior after accomplishing a task. " the manager that addressee is this company, xiaowang's sincerity and friendly moved him, later oneself all express business gave the company Xiaowang.
Xiaowang says, I help him pay back 5 yuan, because I observe there is large express sheet on his desk,be, this shows he has business of a lot of express, if can undertake the whole thing,give me, my general gains profit rich and generous. This case tells us, observe more when anything crops up think to talk again more, perhaps can help you open the door of fortune.
Experience the 2nd element that dispute force communicates. Normally people thinks to experience not matter, important is the right idea of all sorts of authoritative views, then we are encouraged to take power of as a matter of expediency, is not to listen attentively to his. Actually experience and the heart that convey oneself are experienced, can promote friendship kissing affection not only, still can improve working relation.
Sang Debai case works one year in Facebook later, discover somebody is commenting she, its one's words is quite sharp unnatural, she spoke of this thing to cry with Zakebaige, zakebaige comforts her to say: This kind censures is eyewash, also do not have a person to be able to believe, next he asks Sang Debai division, do you want a hug? Case after the event says Sang Debai, she conveys those who gave her to experience, zakebaige also is anounced understand and sympathize with adequately, make the accredit between them more firm.
Nonviolent communicate the germ that emphasizes experiencing to depend on oneself, it is the need of other, feeling that expected to bring about us with view of words and deeds. After understanding these, we criticize other no longer, and should multi-purpose " I feel " + " because of me " such sentence mood will convey experience.
For instance you say to employee: "You put company contract in yesterday downstage, I feel very rusty, because my concern has nothing to do,personnel saw contract content. " if you just said merely: "You put company contract in yesterday downstage, I feel very rusty! " although employee knows he made a fault, but the reason of deep administrative levels that may not knows you are rusty, communicate inadequate. What she understands is you put a fault to the contract the place feels rusty, however may not knows you is likely to the contract actually divulge a secret feels anxious. Next time she may be put no longer downstage, put in assembly room however, the mistake of contract betray confidential matters happens again likely, because you give the core issue of your feeling without expression,this is.
How to increase the capacity that expression experiences?
Can from divisional, build watch, give the impression of weakness 3 respects proceed with: It is to notice divisional expression experiences the statement with idea, for instance: You will see me, I am very happy! This is expression is experienced; Again for instance: I feel I was misunderstood. This is idea not be to experience; 2 it is the glossary that build and refines expression to experience, with accurate and specific language expression is experienced, only you say more clearly, the response of other just may exceed satisfy the need. 3 be give the impression of weakness learns when expression is experienced, conduce to resolve conflict.
Need the 3rd element that dispute force communicates. Most person is unaccustomed will consider an issue from the angle of need, the apt when occurrence contradiction considers others to have what fault. Actually the person's feeling comes from the need at oneself, it is the need that expressed us to had be notted satisfy secondhand actually to the criticism of other.
If we pass criticism to come pretend, the reaction of other often averment or strike back, the goal that short of communicates. Conversely, if we speak need directly, other makes positive response likely.
Then Mr Zhang opens computer, explained fund knowledge for client patience, still needed to devise plan of a conduct financial transactions in the light of the client, final client agreed with plan not only, still come around from other bank 200 thousand yuan, entrust Mr Zhang to take the place of its conduct financial transactions. Mr Zhang communicates successful main reason, it is he stands on the footing of client demand, for client program gain, the deposit that also protected him bank at the same time not prediction of a person's luck in a given year.
Once people begins to discuss need,this explains, is not to criticize each other, find method likely to satisfy bilateral need.
Request the 4th element that dispute force communicates. With what kind of means to put forward to request to get positive response easily? Dr. Marshall summed up 5 small stick person namely: Embody request, make clear conversational purpose, guide feedback of the other side, pay close attention to others reaction, distinction requests an order.
Human relation looks to learn Great Master card to be able to bear or endure in light of us base it is how to play turn of the request. He and colleague are away on official business to Manhadu, after eating breakfast, the colleague goes buying paper, the empty-handed after ten minutes come back, be foul-mouthed is returned in the mouth. So he took paper in the press booth and hand boss 10 dollars, that person does not receive his fund unexpectedly, still seized the newspaper in his hand, teach him a lesson to say: "My job is not small change seeks to others in fastigium going to work! " card is able to bear or endure base the fellow says: "I dare bet, the person that like him this kind of love gets angry won't convert 10 dollars to others absolutely! The person that like him this kind of love gets angry won't convert 10 dollars to others absolutely!!
Card is able to bear or endure base say: "I am willing to accept this one challenge. " then he visits booth of that the press, with a kind the voice of recreant foreigner says to the boss: "The gentleman feels embarrassed, do not know you can do me a favour? " that boss blurt out whatever comes into one's head asks: "What thing? " card is able to bear or endure base say: "I am foreigner, I need " new York Times " , but the paper money that I have a piece of 10 dollars only, how should I do? " had not waited for card to be able to bear or endure base say the word, the other side hands card is able to bear or endure base a newspaper says: "Go off with, this is not what important matter. " card is able to bear or endure base colleague saw with one's own eyes sees this one act, say this is the miracle on 54 streets.
See not hard from this example, card is able to bear or endure base when requesting not only embody of give the impression of weakness request, still guided feedback of the other side, achieved communication goal.
How to listen attentively to
Communicating is two-way and interactive, the talk is for him expression, listening attentively to is to know another person, give feedback. We how is gift nicer listen attentively to? Dr. Marshall from manner, means, opportunity, mood 4 respects gave out to suggest:
It is to want systemic a person's mind to listen attentively to, realize the feeling of other and need, put down already some idea and judgement, for other sufficient expression creates a condition.
2 it is the query gives feedback, after listening attentively to other to convey, can express oneself understanding actively, if use question to feedback, more conduce to other making farther complement to our understanding.
3 it is to grasp feedback opportunity, did not hold in the understanding to oneself commonly when, need the other side affirms; It is one individual speech again when having apparent sentiment, also can expect to get feedback.
4 it is to hold feedback mood, if our mood is the feeling in experience other and demand, is not self-righteous make conclusions, won't make the person feels disgusted.
Listening attentively to is a kind of communication skill not only, use at doing poineering work project development can bring tremendous money likewise.
The software of intelligence of Synapse of Mp3 plug-in unit that Zakebaige invents when high school passes those who analyse an user to listen attentively to a habit namely, match the song that love hears for audience. Because of this plug-in unit, the United States is online to strive for him join in, come out to make a person suddenly of the tongue 1000000 firewood.
Anyhow, nonviolent the golden key that communicating is be enlightened of a promotional and harmonious understanding, stimulative affection, it takes honest expression seriously, advocate dedicated listen attentively to, aggrandizement communicates effectively. The ancients cloud: Lay money compatibly! Believe you mastered this gold key, can open the door of oneself fortune certainly.
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