Recently, a paragraph of video in the head on the screen that be brushed.
On April 17 in the evening, because a teenager of Shanghai of 17 years old encounters maternal criticism after the school contradicts with classmate happening, during big bridge of by way of jockeys, the bridge jumps to die after rushing down a car.
Stay chase not as good as mother, on long genuflect bridge, cry one's heart out, the compunction that stays all one's life.
Sometimes, need 5 seconds only, can let a life disappear.
Sometimes, finish a child, as long as a word is enough.
Very fast, this news caused the comment on the net, the certainly way that most netizen criticizes a mother too too severe, also plaint present child is vitreous heart really, be about easily commit suicide, that after all parents should how is certainly child just good?
Saying path: "The dutiful son gives below bludgeon " , " loving mother is defeated more " it is the educational iron rule that a lot of traditional families pursue all the time.
But as social equality consciousness strengthen, these roaring, scold pair of children more and more when acting well, the parent feels special dismay and be agitated.
Often hear the parent complains: Present child is too difficult canal really, more and more not obedient.
It do not know how to run ability really sometimes is good to do not know how to run ability really sometimes, say a lot of times inexorable when going, you can lose patience really, cannot help beginning to beat and scold the child.
Especially adolescent child, personality is very strong, if be in charge of too severely, have an accident easily again, resemble this 17 years old jumping bridge teenager is same.
So, some parents were afraid of, do not want to let the child experience his again in one's childhood bludgeon education, of flat and abysmal line indulge the child, doting child, want what to give, the bottom line that exceeds oneself even also will not grudge.
Still some of parents wanders in severity to mix doting in these two kinds of means, let certainly child become more and more difficult.
Generally speaking, the certainly child's commonnest father and mother that has two kinds of kinds:
The first kind: Severity. Common delegate is reincarnate namely " pa of tiger Mom wolf " model.
The child, you must obedient, can be punished otherwise.
Because the parent is controlled to child exceeding, let the child has rule and do not have freedom, do not have a choice more. Read what kind of school, on what grooms class, make what friend. . . , everything is parents is done advocate. Because pa Mom is good for you.
The 2nd kind: Pamper. Common delegate is reincarnate namely " gnaw old a group of things with common features " .
The child, you think what does.
Long-term doting, make child nurturance cannot manage independently, depend on parental habit, resemble " Dou Ting is good " medium Su Mingcheng, what get a mother as a child is doting, let " gnaw old " make a habit, be brought up or stretch his hand euqally want money.
We look through a case, means has the parental certainly of these two kinds of types why to differ:
"Severity " mom: Early in the morning gets up for the child ready egg is mixed milk, the child does not want to eat an egg however, want to eat potato piece. Mom explains patiently for the child, eat an egg to have nutrition, good to the body, cannot eat these rubbish food.
The child tasted two to did not want to eat, mom got angry, begin rebuke child: " I expend idea to be done to you so nutrient breakfast, you still are cold-shouldered, must eat " , " I do not want to eat! ", mom was irritated, spank hits the past, child shirk.
Come home midday, the child is troubled by starved to death, mom feels distressed at the same time the child, begin to preach at the same time: " I let you early eat an egg, you do not listen to me, look, hungry deserve " , mom preachs at the same time, begin to prepare lunch for the child again at the same time. Later, began to happen again in the morning that one act.
Same thing happens in " pamper " on mom body, different.
Mom asks the child wants what to eat fawningly everyday, the child says casually sometimes, wait for mom to had been done, the child did not want to eat again, recall new pattern again, "Pamper " mom always must be switched all round by child handle, often dog-tired, still take pain to not to please, the child was not known be thankful and show consideration for.
Above, it is we treat two kinds of the child's most familiar pattern, believe you also had been experienced.
It is without giving thought to actually " severity " , or " pamper " education, out of control, did not hold a balance good, final metropolis makes the child loses sense of responsibility.
That after all what kind of certainly means is just parents should learn?
Crackajack psychologist and a when come from the United States educationist brief. Nielsen, study through education of a few years and carry out experience, found in the light of parents how the good method of certainly child, call " openly certainly " model, english is called " active discipline " .
Nielsen is in " openly certainly " a kind of both neither is offerred for the parent in this book penalty, also not the method of the certainly child of pamper, let the child be in genial and sturdy atmosphere, education out law, sense of responsibility, collaboration and oneself solve the ability of the problem, the society makes they are benefited skill of society of all one's life and life skill, obtain favorable school work result.
Why " openly certainly " be good certainly method?Why before is means of openly certainly education compared two kinds more reasonable? We look above all " severity " certainly and " pamper " certainly can bring some of what kind of harm.
- - the severity harm that is in charge of church to let the child cause 4 R:
1, detest (Resentment) . Let the child feel " this is inequitable! I Your Excellency incredibly! I Your Excellency incredibly!!
2, retaliation (Revenge) . "This time they won, but I can be pulled those who come back! But I can be pulled those who come back!!
3, rebel (Rebellion) . "I slant should to dry, must be done in order to prove I am not by the requirement of old people. Must be done in order to prove I am not by the requirement of old people..
4, shrink back (Retreat) . Furtive " I can be captured anything but next time " , feel self-abased " I am a bad child. Feel self-abased " I am a bad child..
A lot of piquant children, had been beaten a lot of times by parents in one's childhood, a few are corrected really?
If parents is lucky, connect dozen of belt to scold send the child into the university, thought to come to an end. In fact, a lot of children are in after entering a college, lose stringent surelysubject sb to discipline of parents, every day bubble Internet bar, escape class, can become more indulge and degenerate.
So, "Severity " certainly from will for a long time look, it is to be able to be the child to bring negative harm, or becomes obsequious, or is complete please others.
And " pamper " certainly, easy education goes " anarchist " , always feel this world owes them, they use more time think method play truant, become cannot paddle his own canoe, become social helminth.
Look, severe education is lacked genial, and pamper education is lacked again sturdy. Have fortunately " openly certainly " the weakness that can offset these two kinds of means.
Be in likewise have breakfast on this thing, be if be the parent of openly certainly,how do?
"Openly certainly " after the love that parents meets first consideration child and nutrition are tie-in, offer alternative of a limitary to the child.
"The child, are you to want to eat egg biscuit or noodle this morning? Are you to want to eat egg biscuit or noodle this morning??
The child chose noodle, but ate two, feel bad to eat, not was willing to eat. Mom also does not have draw well, say calmingly to the child however: "The hope can make noodle more delicious next time, if you did not want to eat really, that with respect to lunch when eat again.
" openly certainly " mom also did not punish the child, just let the child know, oneself choose be about to bear consequence.
Between the period of the day from 11 a.m. to 1 p.m. in but return,be being done not have, the child feels hunger, crying to let mom give eat, at that time " openly certainly " mom will be very tender the ground says to the child: " I know you affirm hunger, but you choose not to eat in the morning, when waiting for lunch only now, had a meal together with everybody, still have half hours, bear arrive time. Bear arrive time..
"The mom of openly certainly " , can let the child remember he chooses to be about to assume corresponding result: Bear hunger.
Come down for a long time, sex of the sense of responsibility that just can rear the child, self-discipline, society respects others, with the person collaboration solves a problem.
But a lot of parents see the child is hungry, perhaps cry be troubled by when rising, with respect to the principle that cannot hold to oneself, bring about the child to cannot raise etiquette quadrature, just let certainly left and right sides sway.
"Openly certainly " be serve as a foundation with be respected each other and closing, add up to an organic whole with sturdy be in harmony mildly, on foundation of child ego pilot, develop each life mastery of a skill or technique of the child.
"Openly certainly " core is 5 words: "Genial and sturdy " . If the parent can be accomplished the following at 4 o'clock, the child that can let you is willing to abide by the proposal that themselves offers, have good parentage thereby, more benefit at the child grow.
The first, mix mildly run paralell sturdily
What is genial? It is not please child, respect the child namely however, also respect oneself.
If the child follows our backchat, produced conflict, the parents of openly certainly is to go away first, after bilateral calm, go looking for the child to talk again, you can say: "The child, you are very angry a moment ago, I respect your feeling, should be the method that cannot accept you.
When if you can be accomplished,respecting me, we find the way that settle together again. We find the way that settle together again..
It is esteem mildly.
And sturdy, a lot of people think even if punish. When be together sturdily with genial union, be being meant is right oneself, right at that time the esteem of case. Let the child participate in come in, cooperate together, sturdy execution.
The 2nd, help child acquires attributive feeling and value move.
Attributive feeling lets child sense be termless him love by parents namely, and value feels even if have need to others, have own right.
Adler says famous psychologist: The target of person vivid on earth is to obtain self-worth, the child is more such. Deciding the their expression in the school, relation with teacher, classmate, parents so.
This 17 years old jump the attributive sense that bridge teenager did not feel him namely and value sense, just meet so him look down on life.
So, help child acquires attributive feeling and value move, in letting child heart, have love, valuable, ability faces the life better.
The 3rd, long-term and effective.
A lot of parents like to use penalty, because the effect is apparent,be, can get effect instantly, and use penalty this action is to need not learn, everybody is met natively.
Parents feels to want to be opposite only the face since child board, beat and scold effective, but that effective likelihood has 5 minutes only, coming down for a long time is to be able to invite child occurrence harm.
So, judgement certainly is effective, whether be after wanting to see the child be brought up, still effective? After perhaps leaving parents, be effective still when independent life?
So, openly certainly replaces penalty, it is with the child a collaboration solves a problem, form self-discipline and sense of responsibility thereby, it is long-term and effective method so.
The 4th, can teach the child valuable social technical ability and life skill, develop the child's good quality and style.
Respect other, care another person for instance, be good at solving a problem, dare to assume responsibility to wait a moment. These are the targets that we teach the child.
The parent still is in blindly pamper child or the certainly means that punishing the child is not science, and use genial sturdy new-style certainly means: Openly certainly, ability arouses the child's initiative and enthusiasm, raise the their responsibility consciousness, ability that solves a problem, skill that gets used to a society to wait a moment thereby.
Thank brief. Nielsen, let us be on the road of certainly child, can not choose severity namely, also do not choose pamper, however much a right choice, genial and sturdy certainly means, regular meeting lets you be in Yo on the road, become happier, more effective.
